HULLTOON HERALD: Employee granted paid leave until Dundee’s fate is known

A Dundee supporter’s work performance has deteriorated so badly in recent weeks that he has been granted leave until his club’s fate is decided.

Duncan MacDonald commitment to his office job is known to ebb and flow in relation to Dundee’s fortunes, and his employers have taken steps to minimise the impact of the Dark Blues’ relegation fight on productivity.

“We normally write off the last week of transfer windows and the few days before and after derbies,” said his line manager Grace Dillon. “Over the course of a year Duncan’s output is still higher than most of the lazy shites we have around here so we’re okay with him shutting down for a week here and there.

“Relegation battles are problematic though. Last year we didn’t get a stitch of work out of him from the time Aberdeen beat Dundee 7-0 til after Darren O’Dea jumped in the Derry. He also kept harassing colleagues for their views on Paul Hartley and McCann’s knitwear collection. It affected them as well.

“There have been worrying signs that the same thing is happening again. His browser history shows he spent 34 of 37 contracted hours last week on fans forums and football-related social media and he was late for a meeting because he was compiling a spreadsheet that detailed form, head-to-head results, injuries, suspensions and projected point tallies for all four relegation-threatened teams.

“The final straw came yesterday when I found his staring at the wall by the water cooler and mumbling to himself. I asked what was wrong and he went into a lengthy diatribe about Mark O’Hara’s recent performances and Sofien Moussa’s fitness.

“The fact we’re in May and he’s sweating about Moussa’s calf tells you a lot about his mental state and where Dundee are as a club. We took the decision that it was best for him to have a few weeks off until we know whether Dundee stay up or go down.”

Company HR manager Stefan Kowalski added, “We are a progressive, employee-centred organisation. Our staff’s problems are our problems and it’s our duty to help when they feel stressed.

“Our reluctance to discipline Duncan for blatantly sackable offences has nothing to do with the fact he’s the only one who can work the photocopier.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Wright grasses on motorists to cheer himself up

Tommy Wright spent Saturday evening parked in a layby, chain-eating service station food and reporting passing motorists to the police for minor infractions.

The rotund St Johnstone manager decided to forego the team megabus journey back to the village of Perth in in the aftermath of his side’s late non-derby loss at Dens Park in order to indulge in his two greatest passions.

“Even though we lost the game, we really won it because we dominated a match with 50-50 possession stats and an equal number of shots on goal,” said Wright. “The fact I stopped the car at Bullionfield to stock up on tubs of Pringles and pre-packed sandwiches doesn’t mean I was comfort eating.

“Yeah, I emptied the place of pastry goods, cakes and Vimto but so what? That’s nothing to do with Neil McCann. I’m totally winning my personal battle with Neil McCann, despite Dundee taking nine points off us this season. Psyched the svelte little bastard right out, so I have.”

Corpulent Wright (54) then drove to a layby on the A90 to devour his purchases and record instances of speeding, overtaking without appropriate signalling and – in one particularly exciting development – undertaking.

The resulting videos were then passed on to Police Scotland along with the copious notes Wright took detailing even the most minor traffic offences committed in the six hours he spent in the layby.

“Grassing feels good,” he said between a mouthful of sausage roll. “Grassing makes me feel like I have power and that I am better than other people. That, and eating, gives me a temporary endorphin rush that makes me forget my own inadequacies and the fact I haven’t seen my knob for nearly a decade. That’s why people try to bully people as well. But that’s not why I do it.

“I’m winning. I’m winning,” he added, oblivious to the crumbs, flaky pastry and residual tomato ketchup on his chin as he gazed wistfully into the distance.

HULLTOON HERALD: New Scotland strips likely to be the last

The new Scotland away kit revealed this week is likely to be the last as “no one can be fucked with the national team anymore”, according to a well-placed SFA insider.

The yellow shirt, designed on classic lines, has generally been well received by fans and follows similar approval for the home shirt released last November, with some observers being moved to praise the national governing body for not making a howling cunt of things for a change.

Now, however, the Hulltoon Herald can reveal that both strips are set to become instant collectors’ items as the national team prepares to be wound up.

“We’re just fucking guggit, aren’t we?” said the SFA source. “Pubes were still fashionable the last time we qualified for a major championship. UEFA are total pricks but to be fair to them they expanded the Euros so shitey sides like ours could get in and we still couldn’t do it.

“The last qualifying campaign was brutal. Chris Martin. Grant Hanley. Thon Barry Bannon boy. Pumped in Slovakia and drawing at home to Lithuania. Fuck knows how we got a point in the last game as we took a bigger pounding in Slovenia than Melania Trump.

“No one understands this Nations League pish, but we’re confident it’s a load of shite that will cause even more disruption to the domestic season than the pointless friendlies do at the minute. No one can be fucked with it anymore.”

The insider confirmed that the recommended retail price of both home and away kits had been set at a level that ensures all potential financial value is extracted from the Tartan Army before it is disbanded.

“I can’t believe there are still punters prepared to shell out about a week’s wage for 10p worth of polyester stitched together in some sweatshop. Mugs.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Whataboutery levels critical after Old Firm weekend

Scotland is struggling to cope under the sheer weight of whataboutery resulting from the most recent Celtic-Rangers clash, according to experts.

The match, which was won by either Rangers or Celtic, has led to an inevitably elevated outpouring of claim and counterclaim by followers of the two clubs, who operate in a permanent state of mutually assured paranoia.

While the slavish attention of the nation’s media and the drivel spouted by Celgers-supporting acquaintances usually leaves most Scots bemused, the respected Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) has warned that the nation’s infrastructure is at breaking point as a consequence of Sunday’s match.

“Sane people either ignore or chuckle at the deranged pish that the likes of hatezombiesbhoy1916 and BJK1690 come away with online but the reality is that Scotland’s broadband capacity is being pushed to the limit,” said Professor Glen Dinghies of the IFS.

“Businesses will become digitally disconnected if we don’t stop the escalating debates that follow an Old Firm game. Even that phrase threatens rolling broadband blackouts as around 3000 Celtic supporters fill their days replying ‘there is no Old Firm’ to every post, article or tweet.

“This is then followed by ‘what about all the child abuse?’ from fixated Rangers supporters then the usual retort about zombies and obscure points of company law.

“Scotland’s productivity plunges as tens of thousands weigh in to comment on conflicts in Northern Ireland, Israel-Palestine and Catalonia on the basis of which football team they support rather than an informed consideration of complex geopolitical issues.

“Our studies show that the intellectual capacities of Old Firm fans shrink tenfold in the days before and after they meet, rendering them incapable of performing even the most basic of tasks. The Scottish economy gets closer to collapse with each Old Firm game. The Scottish Cup semi could easily push us into recession.”

Celtic supporter Keith Carroll responded to the IFS study by accusing the Hulltoon Herald of “typical pro-Zombie MSM bias” and asking “how come youse urnae covrin the Union Bears n their sectarian march?”

When challenged to condemn the march, Rangers fan Mark Halliday said, “whit aboot the sectarian abuse big Russell Martin goat?” to which Mr Carroll replied, “whit aboot Scott Sinclair? Ah’ve phoned in sick tae work so ah kin compile a dossier of how that goat less coverage thin whit Russell Martin goat.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Gap year hinges on Dundee getting finger out

A Dundee fan has urged his club to ‘go down or stay up, but hurry the fuck up about it’ so he can decide whether or not to go on a gap year in Thailand.

Kyle McDonald had made plans to spend 12 months island-hopping with several mates only for the 21-year-old from Downfield to subsequently change his mind several times as the Dark Blues’ fortunate have fluctuated.

“When this was first mentioned I was like, ‘pure yaaaas man’ but we’d just been pumped 3-0 at Hamilton and I thought we’d be down by Christmas,” Kyle explained. “A few weeks later my mate Deano messaged me about paying a deposit but we’d just scored a last-minute winner against Hearts at Dens and I was thinking I’d need to save my money for a Europa League jolly next year so I backed out.

“By the time Hamilton pumped us again our other mate Kev’s burd had missed her period so there was a spare place and I was back in. Then we beat Rangers and Ross County and I was swerving and by the time we bent Partick over I had dropped out again. I mean, even Moussa was good that day. You’d be gutted spending a year tanning cheap drugs on the beach and getting your hole all the time if the Moose had turned out to be a player back home after all.”

Further flip-flops followed Dundee’s last-minute heartbreak at Rugby Park and the late joy at Firhill a few days later. Frustration over Kyle’s indecision is growing amongst his friends, however, and he has been given until the split to make a final decision.

“I don’t know if I’m more fucked off at Kyle for changing his mind at 5pm every Saturday or Kev for not wearing a johnnie,” sighed Deano. “I don’t even know why Kyle’s postponing important decisions about his future on the basis of Dundee playing Hamilton and Partick instead of Falkirk and Dunfermline next year.”

Kyle said he understood his friend’s exasperation and that he planned on making a decision long before his deadline. “If we don’t beat St Johnstone then I’m definitely going. Unless we pull off a surprise result before the split. Dundee owe it to me to either go on a good run or a shite one and get this sorted ASAP.”

Hulltoon Herald: Zippy from Rainbow tapped for cash by United

Beloved puppet Zippy has confirmed that outgoing Dundee United supremo Steven Thompson has approached him several times for a loan to bail out the ailing Tannadice side.

Thompson, who recently stood down as United chairman in a reshuffle of the board/deckchairs on the Titanic, has been pleading with well-off fans to keep club afloat during their longer-than-anticipated stint in the Fundesliga.

As such, Rainbow star Zippy was an obvious target given that United previously claimed him as a famous supporter in a move that would embarrass even the most celebrity-obsessed of teenagers or a Celtic fan.

Zippy, however, has firmly rebuffed Thompson’s advances in the latest in a series of escalating blows to the Tannadice men.

“All this shite about me being a United fan is a minter,” said Zippy. “Geoffrey, who I worked with on Rainbow, claimed he insisted I was orange because he went to see United when he lived in Dundee. Load of pish. I was orange before he even joined the show.

“I told Thompson all this but he just said, ‘my old man was actually a Motherwell supporter and the daft cunts all called him Mr Dundee United’.

“So then I pointed out that I don’t have any money ‘cos all my wedge went on coke-and-hooker binges with Bungle and he looked gutted. Then he said, ‘what about taking a game at centre-half then?’ I might take him up on that, actually. Even with Geoffrey’s hand up my arse I’ll still do a better job than Mark Durnan and Tam Scobbie.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Girls do like Simon Murray after all

The respected Institute of Futba Studies (IFS) thinktank has been forced to retract previous research claiming that girls do not like Simon Murray.

Amended findings indicate that girls very much do like the scorer of Dundee’s two late goals at Firhill on Saturday, and in a shocking twist it has been revealed that the original study was compromised by an outside source.

1000 woman had previously been questioned by Professor Glen Dingies of the IFS about what they like and none indicated that they lusted after Simon ‘Ginger Prince’ Murray.

However, it has now become apparent that that the 1000 woman questioned were in fact the same person, donning a different disguise each time.

Even more shockingly, the Hulltoon Herald can exclusively reveal the guilty party is none other than celebrity Dundee United supporter Jim Spence.

CCTV images acquired by the Hulltoon Herald show Spence entering his post-relegation Battle Bus dressed as a 1960s housewife after each IFS interview and re-emerging a few moments with a new wig, headscarf or dress on. This pattern was repeated for some five hours, making a mockery of the end results.

When confronted by the HH as he stood on his doorstep still dressed as a woman with rollers in his hair, Spence said, “If it wiznae for you pesky bluenose bastards, eh would have gotten awa wi’ it!”

“Eh’m the only desirable ginger Dundonian an’ it’s been that wiy since the Barracuda days. Nae danger eh’m letting some young pretender wi’ his fancy curly mop tak meh throne.

“Now fuck aff awa fae meh hoose while eh go on to Twitter to wind up meh fellow arabs. Shed rule ya bas.”

Professor Dingies was quick to express disappointment at Spence’s antics which, he said, raised further questions about the plotter’s motives.

“Jim, dressed in various guises, said ‘big, meaty cock’ almost every time we asked him what girls like,” said the academic. “I believe this is called transference. Anyway, we ran the test again and it turns out girls totally do like Simon Murray and this whole thing is nothing to do with football fans being fickle, two-faced bastards. Honest.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Dundee ticketing scheme is ‘Kafkaesque’, says Kafka

The novels of Franz Kafka – in which protagonists typically find themselves trapped in surreal bureaucratic nightmares – were inspired by attempts to navigate Dundee FC’s labyrinthine ticketing system, it has emerged.

Evidence has been unearthed that Kafka, whose name has become shorthand for alienation, existential angst and absurdity, was a time-travelling football fanatic who visited the City of Discovery last month in an ultimately doomed attempt to attend several Dundee games.

Letters written by Kafka appear to show that the public toilet near the top of the Hilltown, frequently used by junkies and horny teenagers for purposes of injection and copulation respectively, is also a time portal from early-20th century Prague. It was from here that Kafka, who died in 1924, emerged hoping to take in the visit of Partick Thistle.

The celebrated Bohemian scribe explained, “I waited in the queue for the Derry and when I got to the front, the steward was like, ‘nae chance, mate. Go up to the shop and buy a ticket.’ So I walked up Provie Road, which is a cunt of a hill when you’ve just smashed through the fabric of time and space with an absinthe hangover, and there was another queue.

“Realising that even after enduring this queue I would still have to stand in a third queue back at the gate I ended up going to GJs and watching Soccer Saturday.”

Kafka’s battle with an omnipotent, unresponsive bureaucracy of the type that would later feature in his writing was not yet over, however.

“I tried to order a ticket online for the Celtic game on Boxing Day, even though the booking and delivery fees are scandalous. I got hit with this shite about not being eligible because I hadn’t attended a Category B game in the past so my name wasn’t in the database. I tried to fucking go to a Category B game! The cunts made it practically impossible even though there were thousands of empty seats. It was Kafkaesque as fuck.

“I just gave up again and decided to write The Castle. It’s about a stranger arriving in a village and struggling to gain access to the mysterious authorities who govern it from a castle atop a big, fuck-off hill. Oscar Wilde got it arse about tit when he said life imitates art.”

The letters also show that The Trial was based on a spell Kafka spent in Bell Street (“never get lifted on a bank holiday weekend”) while The Metamorphosis, in which someone wakes up transformed into a giant, grotesque insect, was inspired by a Dundee night out (“honestly, that burd was tidy in the Vu the night before”).

HULLTOON HERALD: Girls “do not actually like Simon Murray”, study finds

Major new research has cast doubt on claims by Hibernian fans that ‘girls don’t like boys, girls like Simon Murray’.

Followers of the Easter Road club have praised Murray for the way he has managed the step-up from the lower leagues in the summer, going so far as to change the words to 2003 single by American pop-punks Good Charlotte in his honour.

However, a groundbreaking study into what girls like by the Institute of Futba Studies (IFS) has made a mockery of the Hibees version of the song.

“We asked 1000 women what they like and not one said Simon Murray,” said Professor Glen Dingies of the IFS.

“Several respondents said they did indeed like cars and money, which was the original hypothesis of songwriters Benji and Joel Madden.

“Other popular answers included ‘companionship’, ‘sense of humour’, ‘lezzing it up after a night on the voddy’, and ‘big, meaty cock’.

“We doubled-checked our results to see if we had somehow missed Murray but there wasn’t even a category such as ‘pale, freckly ginger from the Greater Kirkton area’ that we could fit him in.

Murray, a former arab bastard and judas cunt for all time, declined to comment on the findings when contacted by the Hulltoon Herald.

Professor Dingies continued, “While we were surprised by the omission of Murray given the Hibs’ fans fervent insistence, we were not at all shocked to find that most women in our survey said they liked Jack Hendry most of all.

“He’s just dreamy isn’t he? I’ve got a chubby just thinking about the way he carries the ball out of defence.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Traynor joy after ‘concomitant’ wins 35-year-old bet

One-time serious journalist turned laughable Ibrox propagandist James Traynor has spoken of his joy after winning an historic wager that he couldn’t get the obscure word ‘concomitant’ into the news.

Shortly after joining the Glasgow Herald in the early 1980s, Traynor and a fellow football reporter began an escalating series of bets over little-known terms they would attempt to sneak past their editor.

‘Crepuscular’, ‘chiasma’, ‘panglossian’ and ‘zugzwang’ all made it into the sports pages before Traynor’s colleague upped the ante by daring the future Rangers PR chief to include concomitant in his copy.

The game appeared to grind to a halt thereafter, only for Traynor to use the occasion of Rangers’ latest humiliation as the opportunity to play his trump card decades after the bet was placed.

He wins a bottle of Holsten Pils for his accomplishment, as per the original terms laid out 35 years ago.

“A lot of people thought I had slid further and further into self-parody over the years but really I was biding my time,” said Traynor yesterday.

“All those verbose, bitter and petty statements I was crafting were building up to this moment.

“Concomitant! In my darker moments even I was doubting this day would come but here we are.

“Holsten Pils was a faux-German brew drunk by young middle-class men trying desperately look cool in the 1980s.

“I’ll probably tan the bottle then write a statement about how positively Brobdingnagian Rangers are. I become a terrible blatherskite on the Pils.”

Traynor added that the golden days of sports writers and using their relatively high-profile positions to embark on japes in full public view were now at an end.

“Dougie Donnelly ruined it for everybody,” he said ruefully.

“I mean, DD spent days tweeting low-quality Arabic porn then half-heartedly blamed it on hackers – how do you top that?

“I have it on good authority Dougie took £20 off Hugh Keevins for that one.”