HULLTOON HERALD: Willo’s career worse than Brexit, PM claims

Brexit might be a total fuck up but it’s still going better than Willo Flood’s career, Theresa May has said.

On the back of David Davis’ resignation as Brexit Secretary, the Prime Minister defended her Government’s performance since triggering Article 50 by comparing to Flood’s fortunes over the same period.

The midfielder had his contracted at Indonesian giants Bali United cancelled after just three days when it emerged that he would be denied a work permit on account of the lowly status of former employers Dundee United.

Ironically, Flood had just released a video referencing his final game for the Tannadice side in which he got sent off, pushed over an opponent, had a go at his manager, and shoved a camera out of his face, claiming that the meltdown represented his past but Bali was his future.

The video followed a nine-day stay at Dunfermline Athletic and two years of running around the Tangerines’ midfield getting about as near to the ball as United got to promotion.

“Brexit is a shambles and the country is gubbed, but when you compare it to Willo’s career it’s actually going rather swimmingly,” claimed May while tramping over a field of wheat as a proxy for poor people. “When he left United he advertised his services on LinkedIn saying he wanted to move abroad but then signed for Dunfermline, believing Fife to be a foreign country.

“This showed he possessed the same level of ignorance of geopolitics as David Davis has shown throughout Brexit negotiations and when he was told the truth he asked to be released and go to Bali. Him being the poster boy for United’s ‘Hands up if you’re top of the league’ campaign seems a lifetime ago. At least he doesn’t have that prick Rees-Mogg making snide remarks in Latin every time he lurches to another disaster though.”

In another twist, it emerged that Flood has become a shock contender to replace Davis at the heart of the Government’s Brexit strategy and is set to consult an atlas before deciding between that and an offer from Formartine United.

HULLTOON HERALD: Scot’s Swedish sex ambitions ‘wildly optimistic’

Experts believe a Scottish football fan’s plan to show his support for Sweden ahead of their World Cup quarter final by having sex with a stereotypically statuesque blonde beauty are wildly optimistic.

Davie Maguire from Blantyre wears his anti-Englishness on his sleeve and has become an avid supporter of whoever Gareth Southgate’s side are playing in Russia. The 34-year-old erroneously believes social media pictures and videos of him consuming products typically associated with these countries have gone viral and plans on raising the stakes further ahead of Saturday’s England-Sweden clash in Samara.

“It started when I took a selfie of me eating cous cous before the Tunisia game and it blew up from there,” said Davie, whose picture attracted three likes. “I didn’t actually bother doing anything before Panama but, as a taxi driver, I’ve not paid any taxes for years so that counts. A photo of me holding a tin of Stella aloft when they played Belgium got crazy shares then I videoed myself tanning a gram and a half of ching and shouting ‘intae they cunts, Columbia!’ My followers nearly doubled at that point.

“Where do you go from there though? Shagging a tidy bird and livestreaming it is the only way to go. She’ll be getting pumped like they English cunts are.”

The renowned Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) have poured scorn on Davie’s plans, however, with Professor Glen Dingies saying, “Davie is an ugly fat bastard with an inconsequential knob and a well-earned reputation for premature ejaculation. He has hee-haw chance of having sex with a leggy Swede unless he’s paying for it.

“His pics and videos have been liked and shared a total of 21 times during the tournament and his followers have gone up because he is deeply unpopular and doesn’t understand what bots are.”

Professor Dingies added that England going through to meet Russia and Davie tanning a Novichok supper might not be a bad thing.

HULLTOON HERALD: Challenge Cup to feature shinty teams as logical next step

Shinty giants Kingussie and Netonmore will take part in next year’s Scottish Challenge Cup in an attempt to make the tournament more messed up than ever.

The clubs accepted the Scottish Professional Football League’s invitation even though the competition attracts significantly lower sponsorship, media attention and crowds than the Camanachd Cup they have traditionally dominated.

They will join a host of sides from Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland and the English non-leagues in battling for a trophy that no one actually wants to win.

“There’s a first round where some teams play and some don’t and I can’t quite remember who comes in at what stage,” explained SPFL chief executive Neil Doncaster. “I think there’s a preliminary round as well, but don’t quote me on that.

“The Irn-Bru Cup remains an innovative and evolving competition, even though I can’t remember who won it last year. Anyway, shinty teams will raise the excitement bar by smashing fuck out of cunts with those sticks they carry. We are very excited about the prospect of every player on a team having the same surname for the first time in Scottish football history.”

Scottish Premiership under-20s sides also compete with smaller teams from the lower leagues, such as Dundee United, Highland and Lowland League clubs and anyone else that can be bothered. Midlands AFA champions Douglas Athletic were lined up to take part in the 2018/19 tournament but declined the invitation in favour of a friendly with Invergowrie.

HULLTOON HERALD: Dalai Lama ‘pisses himself’ at Imrie’s penalty

His Holiness The Dalai Lama has admitted that he fell to the floor laughing when he heard that rat-faced irritant Dougie Imrie missed the penalty that would have secured a point for Hamilton at Dens Park on Saturday.

With the relegation crunch match delicately poised at 1-0 referee Steven McLean pointed to the spot following a stupid substitution by Dundee manager Neil McCann.

Dundee fans could sense their side being pulled further into the mire only for stereotypical ned Imrie to make a complete cunt of the penalty.

It was a moment that brought no end of joy to the world’s top Buddhist and spiritual leader of the Tibetan.

“Karma’s a bitch, eh Dougie?” said The Dalai Lama yesterday. “In the Buddhist tradition, karma refers to action driven by intention which leads to future consequences. In this case that wee roaster is being punished for all those years of strutting around, acting the hard man and just generally getting on everyone tits. I nearly pissed my robes.

“Hamilton can get it right up them as well. 10-2? Good aine.”

Professor Glen Dingies, from the Institute of Futba Studies (IFS), said, “His Holiness’ intervention in Scottish football is unprecedented, although there has to be some doubt over how much the writer of this article actually understands karma.”

“Imrie is a prick though.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Employee granted paid leave until Dundee’s fate is known

A Dundee supporter’s work performance has deteriorated so badly in recent weeks that he has been granted leave until his club’s fate is decided.

Duncan MacDonald commitment to his office job is known to ebb and flow in relation to Dundee’s fortunes, and his employers have taken steps to minimise the impact of the Dark Blues’ relegation fight on productivity.

“We normally write off the last week of transfer windows and the few days before and after derbies,” said his line manager Grace Dillon. “Over the course of a year Duncan’s output is still higher than most of the lazy shites we have around here so we’re okay with him shutting down for a week here and there.

“Relegation battles are problematic though. Last year we didn’t get a stitch of work out of him from the time Aberdeen beat Dundee 7-0 til after Darren O’Dea jumped in the Derry. He also kept harassing colleagues for their views on Paul Hartley and McCann’s knitwear collection. It affected them as well.

“There have been worrying signs that the same thing is happening again. His browser history shows he spent 34 of 37 contracted hours last week on fans forums and football-related social media and he was late for a meeting because he was compiling a spreadsheet that detailed form, head-to-head results, injuries, suspensions and projected point tallies for all four relegation-threatened teams.

“The final straw came yesterday when I found his staring at the wall by the water cooler and mumbling to himself. I asked what was wrong and he went into a lengthy diatribe about Mark O’Hara’s recent performances and Sofien Moussa’s fitness.

“The fact we’re in May and he’s sweating about Moussa’s calf tells you a lot about his mental state and where Dundee are as a club. We took the decision that it was best for him to have a few weeks off until we know whether Dundee stay up or go down.”

Company HR manager Stefan Kowalski added, “We are a progressive, employee-centred organisation. Our staff’s problems are our problems and it’s our duty to help when they feel stressed.

“Our reluctance to discipline Duncan for blatantly sackable offences has nothing to do with the fact he’s the only one who can work the photocopier.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Wright grasses on motorists to cheer himself up

Tommy Wright spent Saturday evening parked in a layby, chain-eating service station food and reporting passing motorists to the police for minor infractions.

The rotund St Johnstone manager decided to forego the team megabus journey back to the village of Perth in in the aftermath of his side’s late non-derby loss at Dens Park in order to indulge in his two greatest passions.

“Even though we lost the game, we really won it because we dominated a match with 50-50 possession stats and an equal number of shots on goal,” said Wright. “The fact I stopped the car at Bullionfield to stock up on tubs of Pringles and pre-packed sandwiches doesn’t mean I was comfort eating.

“Yeah, I emptied the place of pastry goods, cakes and Vimto but so what? That’s nothing to do with Neil McCann. I’m totally winning my personal battle with Neil McCann, despite Dundee taking nine points off us this season. Psyched the svelte little bastard right out, so I have.”

Corpulent Wright (54) then drove to a layby on the A90 to devour his purchases and record instances of speeding, overtaking without appropriate signalling and – in one particularly exciting development – undertaking.

The resulting videos were then passed on to Police Scotland along with the copious notes Wright took detailing even the most minor traffic offences committed in the six hours he spent in the layby.

“Grassing feels good,” he said between a mouthful of sausage roll. “Grassing makes me feel like I have power and that I am better than other people. That, and eating, gives me a temporary endorphin rush that makes me forget my own inadequacies and the fact I haven’t seen my knob for nearly a decade. That’s why people try to bully people as well. But that’s not why I do it.

“I’m winning. I’m winning,” he added, oblivious to the crumbs, flaky pastry and residual tomato ketchup on his chin as he gazed wistfully into the distance.

HULLTOON HERALD: New Scotland strips likely to be the last

The new Scotland away kit revealed this week is likely to be the last as “no one can be fucked with the national team anymore”, according to a well-placed SFA insider.

The yellow shirt, designed on classic lines, has generally been well received by fans and follows similar approval for the home shirt released last November, with some observers being moved to praise the national governing body for not making a howling cunt of things for a change.

Now, however, the Hulltoon Herald can reveal that both strips are set to become instant collectors’ items as the national team prepares to be wound up.

“We’re just fucking guggit, aren’t we?” said the SFA source. “Pubes were still fashionable the last time we qualified for a major championship. UEFA are total pricks but to be fair to them they expanded the Euros so shitey sides like ours could get in and we still couldn’t do it.

“The last qualifying campaign was brutal. Chris Martin. Grant Hanley. Thon Barry Bannon boy. Pumped in Slovakia and drawing at home to Lithuania. Fuck knows how we got a point in the last game as we took a bigger pounding in Slovenia than Melania Trump.

“No one understands this Nations League pish, but we’re confident it’s a load of shite that will cause even more disruption to the domestic season than the pointless friendlies do at the minute. No one can be fucked with it anymore.”

The insider confirmed that the recommended retail price of both home and away kits had been set at a level that ensures all potential financial value is extracted from the Tartan Army before it is disbanded.

“I can’t believe there are still punters prepared to shell out about a week’s wage for 10p worth of polyester stitched together in some sweatshop. Mugs.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Whataboutery levels critical after Old Firm weekend

Scotland is struggling to cope under the sheer weight of whataboutery resulting from the most recent Celtic-Rangers clash, according to experts.

The match, which was won by either Rangers or Celtic, has led to an inevitably elevated outpouring of claim and counterclaim by followers of the two clubs, who operate in a permanent state of mutually assured paranoia.

While the slavish attention of the nation’s media and the drivel spouted by Celgers-supporting acquaintances usually leaves most Scots bemused, the respected Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) has warned that the nation’s infrastructure is at breaking point as a consequence of Sunday’s match.

“Sane people either ignore or chuckle at the deranged pish that the likes of hatezombiesbhoy1916 and BJK1690 come away with online but the reality is that Scotland’s broadband capacity is being pushed to the limit,” said Professor Glen Dinghies of the IFS.

“Businesses will become digitally disconnected if we don’t stop the escalating debates that follow an Old Firm game. Even that phrase threatens rolling broadband blackouts as around 3000 Celtic supporters fill their days replying ‘there is no Old Firm’ to every post, article or tweet.

“This is then followed by ‘what about all the child abuse?’ from fixated Rangers supporters then the usual retort about zombies and obscure points of company law.

“Scotland’s productivity plunges as tens of thousands weigh in to comment on conflicts in Northern Ireland, Israel-Palestine and Catalonia on the basis of which football team they support rather than an informed consideration of complex geopolitical issues.

“Our studies show that the intellectual capacities of Old Firm fans shrink tenfold in the days before and after they meet, rendering them incapable of performing even the most basic of tasks. The Scottish economy gets closer to collapse with each Old Firm game. The Scottish Cup semi could easily push us into recession.”

Celtic supporter Keith Carroll responded to the IFS study by accusing the Hulltoon Herald of “typical pro-Zombie MSM bias” and asking “how come youse urnae covrin the Union Bears n their sectarian march?”

When challenged to condemn the march, Rangers fan Mark Halliday said, “whit aboot the sectarian abuse big Russell Martin goat?” to which Mr Carroll replied, “whit aboot Scott Sinclair? Ah’ve phoned in sick tae work so ah kin compile a dossier of how that goat less coverage thin whit Russell Martin goat.”

HULLTOON HERALD: Gap year hinges on Dundee getting finger out

A Dundee fan has urged his club to ‘go down or stay up, but hurry the fuck up about it’ so he can decide whether or not to go on a gap year in Thailand.

Kyle McDonald had made plans to spend 12 months island-hopping with several mates only for the 21-year-old from Downfield to subsequently change his mind several times as the Dark Blues’ fortunate have fluctuated.

“When this was first mentioned I was like, ‘pure yaaaas man’ but we’d just been pumped 3-0 at Hamilton and I thought we’d be down by Christmas,” Kyle explained. “A few weeks later my mate Deano messaged me about paying a deposit but we’d just scored a last-minute winner against Hearts at Dens and I was thinking I’d need to save my money for a Europa League jolly next year so I backed out.

“By the time Hamilton pumped us again our other mate Kev’s burd had missed her period so there was a spare place and I was back in. Then we beat Rangers and Ross County and I was swerving and by the time we bent Partick over I had dropped out again. I mean, even Moussa was good that day. You’d be gutted spending a year tanning cheap drugs on the beach and getting your hole all the time if the Moose had turned out to be a player back home after all.”

Further flip-flops followed Dundee’s last-minute heartbreak at Rugby Park and the late joy at Firhill a few days later. Frustration over Kyle’s indecision is growing amongst his friends, however, and he has been given until the split to make a final decision.

“I don’t know if I’m more fucked off at Kyle for changing his mind at 5pm every Saturday or Kev for not wearing a johnnie,” sighed Deano. “I don’t even know why Kyle’s postponing important decisions about his future on the basis of Dundee playing Hamilton and Partick instead of Falkirk and Dunfermline next year.”

Kyle said he understood his friend’s exasperation and that he planned on making a decision long before his deadline. “If we don’t beat St Johnstone then I’m definitely going. Unless we pull off a surprise result before the split. Dundee owe it to me to either go on a good run or a shite one and get this sorted ASAP.”

Hulltoon Herald: Zippy from Rainbow tapped for cash by United

Beloved puppet Zippy has confirmed that outgoing Dundee United supremo Steven Thompson has approached him several times for a loan to bail out the ailing Tannadice side.

Thompson, who recently stood down as United chairman in a reshuffle of the board/deckchairs on the Titanic, has been pleading with well-off fans to keep club afloat during their longer-than-anticipated stint in the Fundesliga.

As such, Rainbow star Zippy was an obvious target given that United previously claimed him as a famous supporter in a move that would embarrass even the most celebrity-obsessed of teenagers or a Celtic fan.

Zippy, however, has firmly rebuffed Thompson’s advances in the latest in a series of escalating blows to the Tannadice men.

“All this shite about me being a United fan is a minter,” said Zippy. “Geoffrey, who I worked with on Rainbow, claimed he insisted I was orange because he went to see United when he lived in Dundee. Load of pish. I was orange before he even joined the show.

“I told Thompson all this but he just said, ‘my old man was actually a Motherwell supporter and the daft cunts all called him Mr Dundee United’.

“So then I pointed out that I don’t have any money ‘cos all my wedge went on coke-and-hooker binges with Bungle and he looked gutted. Then he said, ‘what about taking a game at centre-half then?’ I might take him up on that, actually. Even with Geoffrey’s hand up my arse I’ll still do a better job than Mark Durnan and Tam Scobbie.”