Dundee supremo John Nelms’ money-making schemes for the club have extended to an expensive, football-themed Hallowe’en House of Horrors against Celtic, he has confirmed.
The happy coincidence of playing perennial champions and professional conspiracy theorists Celtic Football Club on a winter’s evening famed for providing terror and manipulating our primordial fears and charging £30 for the privilege was “too good an opportunity to miss”, according to Nelms, who insisted on dressing like an undead circus ringleader while addressing local media.
“TREMBLE as you realise Calvin Miller cannot play as a Celtic loanee! SCREAM as our midfield get caught in possession and are robbed by James Forrest! WAIL when Jack Hamilton’s hands turn into flippers as he drops one on the head of Boyata! RAGE as Scott Bain gives a sly finger to the Derry! COWER IN FEAR AS SOFIEN MOUSSA AND KENNY MILLER START!” boomed the Texan.
“Although everything points to a defeat of nightmareish proportions for Dundee, there is some cause for hope”, claims Glen Dingies of the Institute of Futba Studies. “Anybody who’s heard Cammy Kerr’s screams knows he’s a banshee, Kallman orders his steaks blue and is blond so could be a vampire, and if perma-raging Paul McGowan isn’t a werewolf then I’m a cocktail brolly. That and Celtic’s obsession to the point of distraction with zombies could give Dundee an edge.
“Things probably should’ve been stopped before Jim McIntyre was convinced that Jesse Curran and Lewis Spence were winged monkeys capable of flying from the stands, though. Poor lads are out until January.”
Dundee FC Supporters Association have launched a range of branded tinfoil hats to mark the one-week anniversary of them writing to the Scottish FA alleging a top-level conspiracy involving referee Steven McLean.
The DSA, who believe McLean awarded Kilmarnock a controversial penalty at Dens Park because his dad once shared a Panini sticker with Killie boss Steve Clarke’s brother, will reinvest all proceeds from the range trying to uncover further evidence of plots against the Dark Blues.
In the context of Scottish football, tinfoil hates are commonly associated with the paranoia displayed by both sides of the Old Firm but the DSA now hope their approach will turn Dundee into the third force of persecution delusions.
“We need to find the truth that the mainstream media aren’t interested in,” said a DSA spokesman. “We want to investigate claims that Bobby Madden’s dad was in the Shimmy and that Willie Collum once downloaded Love Is In The Air. Want to know how high this goes? We believe SFA chief executive Ian Maxwell is actually Freddy van der Hoorn with a mask and fake weegie accent.
“The SFA clearly knows more than SFA about 9/11 and chemtrails may well be genetically targeted at Dundee supporters. We’re big anti-vaxxers. The MMR jab is designed to render Dees infertile. Buy our tinfoil hats and protect yourself from mind control while helping our quest for justice.”
The DSA spokesman confirmed that their letter to the SFA was written in green ink but refused to comment on speculation that they had embarked upon their campaign to divert attention from the failings of Neil McCann and the club’s board calling it “an outlandish conspiracy theory”.
Hereditary monarch Queen Elizabeth II believes Neil McCann’s position is even more secure than her own job for life, it has emerged.
The Queen, known by some as Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and Elizabeth Mountbatten-Windsor, spoke of her jealousy after Dundee slumped to yet another home defeat at the weekend, leaving the Dark Blues are rooted to the foot of the Scottish Premiership. Twelve of the forty two SPFL clubs have changed manager so far this season but, despite Dundee having the worst record of any side in the country, recording their worst ever start to a season and having been humbled by lower league opposition in the League Cup, McCann remains in post.
“One remembers one’s grandfather marvelling about Dundee’s woeful start to the 1928/29 season,” said the 92-year-old embodiment of the class-based glass ceiling. “It stood out because he only ever really mentioned Rangers’ results. But McCann started this season even worse, keeps falling out with everyone and persists with a style that is as boring as it is ineffective. Ayr and Dunfermline pumped them in the cup FFS. And every week he’s still there spinning his tombola and insisting on 3000 passes that go nowhere. Teflon. He must have incriminating photos of John Nelms or something.
“Compare that to one’s situation. It’s only 370 years since a British monarch was executed and yet the chances of the servile masses rising up to overthrow us royals are far greater than the Dundee board realising how far McCann is out of his depth. Especially since it’s only a matter of time before one’s subjects realising how ludicrous the notion of someone, a potential belter like that son of mine for example, ruling over an entire nation due to birth-right is. One wishes one had Neil McCann’s ‘problems’.”
Professor Glen Dingies, of the Institute for Futba Studies, said, “The IFS is a serious research organisation and all our public statements are underpinned by rigorously ascertained facts. McCann must have the photos. It’s the only plausible explanation.”
With the Hulltoon Herald team all on a long-term investigation, it’s time for some actual site news. We’ve teamed up with a few other fan blogs/podcasts/sites to launch a partnership scheme with TheTwoPointOne, one of the most prominent Scottish football websites out there just now. TheTwoPointOne is dedicated to covering teams across Scottish football – not just the usual two from Glasgow – and tries to inject some relevant data and longer-term thinking into articles about squads, tactics and the wider governance of our national game. We have a subscription and it’s definitely worth it for expanding knowledge of the opposition as well as seeing Dundee with an outsiders’ pairs of eyes (spoiler alert: it’s often not very pretty.)
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Brexit might be a total fuck up but it’s still going better than Willo Flood’s career, Theresa May has said.
On the back of David Davis’ resignation as Brexit Secretary, the Prime Minister defended her Government’s performance since triggering Article 50 by comparing to Flood’s fortunes over the same period.
The midfielder had his contracted at Indonesian giants Bali United cancelled after just three days when it emerged that he would be denied a work permit on account of the lowly status of former employers Dundee United.
Ironically, Flood had just released a video referencing his final game for the Tannadice side in which he got sent off, pushed over an opponent, had a go at his manager, and shoved a camera out of his face, claiming that the meltdown represented his past but Bali was his future.
The video followed a nine-day stay at Dunfermline Athletic and two years of running around the Tangerines’ midfield getting about as near to the ball as United got to promotion.
“Brexit is a shambles and the country is gubbed, but when you compare it to Willo’s career it’s actually going rather swimmingly,” claimed May while tramping over a field of wheat as a proxy for poor people. “When he left United he advertised his services on LinkedIn saying he wanted to move abroad but then signed for Dunfermline, believing Fife to be a foreign country.
“This showed he possessed the same level of ignorance of geopolitics as David Davis has shown throughout Brexit negotiations and when he was told the truth he asked to be released and go to Bali. Him being the poster boy for United’s ‘Hands up if you’re top of the league’ campaign seems a lifetime ago. At least he doesn’t have that prick Rees-Mogg making snide remarks in Latin every time he lurches to another disaster though.”
In another twist, it emerged that Flood has become a shock contender to replace Davis at the heart of the Government’s Brexit strategy and is set to consult an atlas before deciding between that and an offer from Formartine United.
Experts believe a Scottish football fan’s plan to show his support for Sweden ahead of their World Cup quarter final by having sex with a stereotypically statuesque blonde beauty are wildly optimistic.
Davie Maguire from Blantyre wears his anti-Englishness on his sleeve and has become an avid supporter of whoever Gareth Southgate’s side are playing in Russia. The 34-year-old erroneously believes social media pictures and videos of him consuming products typically associated with these countries have gone viral and plans on raising the stakes further ahead of Saturday’s England-Sweden clash in Samara.
“It started when I took a selfie of me eating cous cous before the Tunisia game and it blew up from there,” said Davie, whose picture attracted three likes. “I didn’t actually bother doing anything before Panama but, as a taxi driver, I’ve not paid any taxes for years so that counts. A photo of me holding a tin of Stella aloft when they played Belgium got crazy shares then I videoed myself tanning a gram and a half of ching and shouting ‘intae they cunts, Columbia!’ My followers nearly doubled at that point.
“Where do you go from there though? Shagging a tidy bird and livestreaming it is the only way to go. She’ll be getting pumped like they English cunts are.”
The renowned Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) have poured scorn on Davie’s plans, however, with Professor Glen Dingies saying, “Davie is an ugly fat bastard with an inconsequential knob and a well-earned reputation for premature ejaculation. He has hee-haw chance of having sex with a leggy Swede unless he’s paying for it.
“His pics and videos have been liked and shared a total of 21 times during the tournament and his followers have gone up because he is deeply unpopular and doesn’t understand what bots are.”
Professor Dingies added that England going through to meet Russia and Davie tanning a Novichok supper might not be a bad thing.
Shinty giants Kingussie and Netonmore will take part in next year’s Scottish Challenge Cup in an attempt to make the tournament more messed up than ever.
The clubs accepted the Scottish Professional Football League’s invitation even though the competition attracts significantly lower sponsorship, media attention and crowds than the Camanachd Cup they have traditionally dominated.
They will join a host of sides from Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland and the English non-leagues in battling for a trophy that no one actually wants to win.
“There’s a first round where some teams play and some don’t and I can’t quite remember who comes in at what stage,” explained SPFL chief executive Neil Doncaster. “I think there’s a preliminary round as well, but don’t quote me on that.
“The Irn-Bru Cup remains an innovative and evolving competition, even though I can’t remember who won it last year. Anyway, shinty teams will raise the excitement bar by smashing fuck out of cunts with those sticks they carry. We are very excited about the prospect of every player on a team having the same surname for the first time in Scottish football history.”
Scottish Premiership under-20s sides also compete with smaller teams from the lower leagues, such as Dundee United, Highland and Lowland League clubs and anyone else that can be bothered. Midlands AFA champions Douglas Athletic were lined up to take part in the 2018/19 tournament but declined the invitation in favour of a friendly with Invergowrie.
His Holiness The Dalai Lama has admitted that he fell to the floor laughing when he heard that rat-faced irritant Dougie Imrie missed the penalty that would have secured a point for Hamilton at Dens Park on Saturday.
With the relegation crunch match delicately poised at 1-0 referee Steven McLean pointed to the spot following a stupid substitution by Dundee manager Neil McCann.
Dundee fans could sense their side being pulled further into the mire only for stereotypical ned Imrie to make a complete cunt of the penalty.
It was a moment that brought no end of joy to the world’s top Buddhist and spiritual leader of the Tibetan.
“Karma’s a bitch, eh Dougie?” said The Dalai Lama yesterday. “In the Buddhist tradition, karma refers to action driven by intention which leads to future consequences. In this case that wee roaster is being punished for all those years of strutting around, acting the hard man and just generally getting on everyone tits. I nearly pissed my robes.
“Hamilton can get it right up them as well. 10-2? Good aine.”
Professor Glen Dingies, from the Institute of Futba Studies (IFS), said, “His Holiness’ intervention in Scottish football is unprecedented, although there has to be some doubt over how much the writer of this article actually understands karma.”
“Imrie is a prick though.”
A Dundee supporter’s work performance has deteriorated so badly in recent weeks that he has been granted leave until his club’s fate is decided.
Duncan MacDonald commitment to his office job is known to ebb and flow in relation to Dundee’s fortunes, and his employers have taken steps to minimise the impact of the Dark Blues’ relegation fight on productivity.
“We normally write off the last week of transfer windows and the few days before and after derbies,” said his line manager Grace Dillon. “Over the course of a year Duncan’s output is still higher than most of the lazy shites we have around here so we’re okay with him shutting down for a week here and there.
“Relegation battles are problematic though. Last year we didn’t get a stitch of work out of him from the time Aberdeen beat Dundee 7-0 til after Darren O’Dea jumped in the Derry. He also kept harassing colleagues for their views on Paul Hartley and McCann’s knitwear collection. It affected them as well.
“There have been worrying signs that the same thing is happening again. His browser history shows he spent 34 of 37 contracted hours last week on fans forums and football-related social media and he was late for a meeting because he was compiling a spreadsheet that detailed form, head-to-head results, injuries, suspensions and projected point tallies for all four relegation-threatened teams.
“The final straw came yesterday when I found his staring at the wall by the water cooler and mumbling to himself. I asked what was wrong and he went into a lengthy diatribe about Mark O’Hara’s recent performances and Sofien Moussa’s fitness.
“The fact we’re in May and he’s sweating about Moussa’s calf tells you a lot about his mental state and where Dundee are as a club. We took the decision that it was best for him to have a few weeks off until we know whether Dundee stay up or go down.”
Company HR manager Stefan Kowalski added, “We are a progressive, employee-centred organisation. Our staff’s problems are our problems and it’s our duty to help when they feel stressed.
“Our reluctance to discipline Duncan for blatantly sackable offences has nothing to do with the fact he’s the only one who can work the photocopier.”
Tommy Wright spent Saturday evening parked in a layby, chain-eating service station food and reporting passing motorists to the police for minor infractions.
The rotund St Johnstone manager decided to forego the team megabus journey back to the village of Perth in in the aftermath of his side’s late non-derby loss at Dens Park in order to indulge in his two greatest passions.
“Even though we lost the game, we really won it because we dominated a match with 50-50 possession stats and an equal number of shots on goal,” said Wright. “The fact I stopped the car at Bullionfield to stock up on tubs of Pringles and pre-packed sandwiches doesn’t mean I was comfort eating.
“Yeah, I emptied the place of pastry goods, cakes and Vimto but so what? That’s nothing to do with Neil McCann. I’m totally winning my personal battle with Neil McCann, despite Dundee taking nine points off us this season. Psyched the svelte little bastard right out, so I have.”
Corpulent Wright (54) then drove to a layby on the A90 to devour his purchases and record instances of speeding, overtaking without appropriate signalling and – in one particularly exciting development – undertaking.
The resulting videos were then passed on to Police Scotland along with the copious notes Wright took detailing even the most minor traffic offences committed in the six hours he spent in the layby.
“Grassing feels good,” he said between a mouthful of sausage roll. “Grassing makes me feel like I have power and that I am better than other people. That, and eating, gives me a temporary endorphin rush that makes me forget my own inadequacies and the fact I haven’t seen my knob for nearly a decade. That’s why people try to bully people as well. But that’s not why I do it.
“I’m winning. I’m winning,” he added, oblivious to the crumbs, flaky pastry and residual tomato ketchup on his chin as he gazed wistfully into the distance.