Author: provieroadpod

Brexit might be a total fuck up but it’s still going better than Willo Flood’s career, Theresa May has said.

On the back of David Davis’ resignation as Brexit Secretary, the Prime Minister defended her Government’s performance since triggering Article 50 by comparing to Flood’s fortunes over the same period.

The midfielder had his contracted at Indonesian giants Bali United cancelled after just three days when it emerged that he would be denied a work permit on account of the lowly status of former employers Dundee United.

Ironically, Flood had just released a video referencing his final game for the Tannadice side in which he got sent off, pushed over an opponent, had a go at his manager, and shoved a camera out of his face, claiming that the meltdown represented his past but Bali was his future.

The video followed a nine-day stay at Dunfermline Athletic and two years of running around the Tangerines’ midfield getting about as near to the ball as United got to promotion.

“Brexit is a shambles and the country is gubbed, but when you compare it to Willo’s career it’s actually going rather swimmingly,” claimed May while tramping over a field of wheat as a proxy for poor people. “When he left United he advertised his services on LinkedIn saying he wanted to move abroad but then signed for Dunfermline, believing Fife to be a foreign country.

“This showed he possessed the same level of ignorance of geopolitics as David Davis has shown throughout Brexit negotiations and when he was told the truth he asked to be released and go to Bali. Him being the poster boy for United’s ‘Hands up if you’re top of the league’ campaign seems a lifetime ago. At least he doesn’t have that prick Rees-Mogg making snide remarks in Latin every time he lurches to another disaster though.”

In another twist, it emerged that Flood has become a shock contender to replace Davis at the heart of the Government’s Brexit strategy and is set to consult an atlas before deciding between that and an offer from Formartine United.

Experts believe a Scottish football fan’s plan to show his support for Sweden ahead of their World Cup quarter final by having sex with a stereotypically statuesque blonde beauty are wildly optimistic.

Davie Maguire from Blantyre wears his anti-Englishness on his sleeve and has become an avid supporter of whoever Gareth Southgate’s side are playing in Russia. The 34-year-old erroneously believes social media pictures and videos of him consuming products typically associated with these countries have gone viral and plans on raising the stakes further ahead of Saturday’s England-Sweden clash in Samara.

“It started when I took a selfie of me eating cous cous before the Tunisia game and it blew up from there,” said Davie, whose picture attracted three likes. “I didn’t actually bother doing anything before Panama but, as a taxi driver, I’ve not paid any taxes for years so that counts. A photo of me holding a tin of Stella aloft when they played Belgium got crazy shares then I videoed myself tanning a gram and a half of ching and shouting ‘intae they cunts, Columbia!’ My followers nearly doubled at that point.

“Where do you go from there though? Shagging a tidy bird and livestreaming it is the only way to go. She’ll be getting pumped like they English cunts are.”

The renowned Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) have poured scorn on Davie’s plans, however, with Professor Glen Dingies saying, “Davie is an ugly fat bastard with an inconsequential knob and a well-earned reputation for premature ejaculation. He has hee-haw chance of having sex with a leggy Swede unless he’s paying for it.

“His pics and videos have been liked and shared a total of 21 times during the tournament and his followers have gone up because he is deeply unpopular and doesn’t understand what bots are.”

Professor Dingies added that England going through to meet Russia and Davie tanning a Novichok supper might not be a bad thing.

Shinty giants Kingussie and Netonmore will take part in next year’s Scottish Challenge Cup in an attempt to make the tournament more messed up than ever.

The clubs accepted the Scottish Professional Football League’s invitation even though the competition attracts significantly lower sponsorship, media attention and crowds than the Camanachd Cup they have traditionally dominated.

They will join a host of sides from Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland and the English non-leagues in battling for a trophy that no one actually wants to win.

“There’s a first round where some teams play and some don’t and I can’t quite remember who comes in at what stage,” explained SPFL chief executive Neil Doncaster. “I think there’s a preliminary round as well, but don’t quote me on that.

“The Irn-Bru Cup remains an innovative and evolving competition, even though I can’t remember who won it last year. Anyway, shinty teams will raise the excitement bar by smashing fuck out of cunts with those sticks they carry. We are very excited about the prospect of every player on a team having the same surname for the first time in Scottish football history.”

Scottish Premiership under-20s sides also compete with smaller teams from the lower leagues, such as Dundee United, Highland and Lowland League clubs and anyone else that can be bothered. Midlands AFA champions Douglas Athletic were lined up to take part in the 2018/19 tournament but declined the invitation in favour of a friendly with Invergowrie.

His Holiness The Dalai Lama has admitted that he fell to the floor laughing when he heard that rat-faced irritant Dougie Imrie missed the penalty that would have secured a point for Hamilton at Dens Park on Saturday.

With the relegation crunch match delicately poised at 1-0 referee Steven McLean pointed to the spot following a stupid substitution by Dundee manager Neil McCann.

Dundee fans could sense their side being pulled further into the mire only for stereotypical ned Imrie to make a complete cunt of the penalty.

It was a moment that brought no end of joy to the world’s top Buddhist and spiritual leader of the Tibetan.

“Karma’s a bitch, eh Dougie?” said The Dalai Lama yesterday. “In the Buddhist tradition, karma refers to action driven by intention which leads to future consequences. In this case that wee roaster is being punished for all those years of strutting around, acting the hard man and just generally getting on everyone tits. I nearly pissed my robes.

“Hamilton can get it right up them as well. 10-2? Good aine.”

Professor Glen Dingies, from the Institute of Futba Studies (IFS), said, “His Holiness’ intervention in Scottish football is unprecedented, although there has to be some doubt over how much the writer of this article actually understands karma.”

“Imrie is a prick though.”

A Dundee supporter’s work performance has deteriorated so badly in recent weeks that he has been granted leave until his club’s fate is decided.

Duncan MacDonald commitment to his office job is known to ebb and flow in relation to Dundee’s fortunes, and his employers have taken steps to minimise the impact of the Dark Blues’ relegation fight on productivity.

“We normally write off the last week of transfer windows and the few days before and after derbies,” said his line manager Grace Dillon. “Over the course of a year Duncan’s output is still higher than most of the lazy shites we have around here so we’re okay with him shutting down for a week here and there.

“Relegation battles are problematic though. Last year we didn’t get a stitch of work out of him from the time Aberdeen beat Dundee 7-0 til after Darren O’Dea jumped in the Derry. He also kept harassing colleagues for their views on Paul Hartley and McCann’s knitwear collection. It affected them as well.

“There have been worrying signs that the same thing is happening again. His browser history shows he spent 34 of 37 contracted hours last week on fans forums and football-related social media and he was late for a meeting because he was compiling a spreadsheet that detailed form, head-to-head results, injuries, suspensions and projected point tallies for all four relegation-threatened teams.

“The final straw came yesterday when I found his staring at the wall by the water cooler and mumbling to himself. I asked what was wrong and he went into a lengthy diatribe about Mark O’Hara’s recent performances and Sofien Moussa’s fitness.

“The fact we’re in May and he’s sweating about Moussa’s calf tells you a lot about his mental state and where Dundee are as a club. We took the decision that it was best for him to have a few weeks off until we know whether Dundee stay up or go down.”

Company HR manager Stefan Kowalski added, “We are a progressive, employee-centred organisation. Our staff’s problems are our problems and it’s our duty to help when they feel stressed.

“Our reluctance to discipline Duncan for blatantly sackable offences has nothing to do with the fact he’s the only one who can work the photocopier.”