Conspiracy theory collapses before end of injury time

A conspiracy theory alleging rabid anti-Irishness among Dundee’s stewarding community was discredited before referee Bobby Madden blew the full time whistle at Dens Park on Sunday.

Sky Sports viewers watched on as a Celtic supporter jumped an 8-foot drop to chase after a tricolour that stewards had pulled down seconds before.

The Celtic twitterati were quick to dismiss Dundee MD John Nelms’ claim that the flag was removed for obscuring an advertising board paid for by one of the club’s sponsors and posted images of a Rangers banner draped over the same spot earlier this season.

This appeared to be incontrovertible evidence of high-level collusion before further footage showed the offending Rangers flag was in fact removed minutes after the original picture was taken.

In all, the theory lasted almost as long as the injury time referee Madden added on at the end of Sunday’s game.

Choosing to ignore the fact other Irish flags were clearly on display at Dens Park without causing controversy, blogger and professional grievance merchant Martin Moore hit out at all involved, saying, ‘Normally I just analyse Sevco’s finances in forensic detail but I was inspired to write about this blatant anti-Irish racism. It was no coincidence that it happened on St Patrick’s Day.

‘Nelms says this was only done because the flag was obscuring an advertising board but he would say that because he’s from Texas and they have the KKK there.’

Professor Glen Dingies, of the Institute for Futba Studies, said, ‘There is a clear causal link between paranoia and supporting the Old Firm. Everyone knows the stewards at Dens are heavy-handed but, quite frankly, Ayr United and Falkirk fans are treated by them worse than Celtic or Rangers’ ever will.

‘With respect to the injury time played, it is highly unusual to see Celtic supporters back a referee rather than claiming a Masonic conspiracy against them. It’s almost as if they just see and hear what they want.’

Derry Got Soul Club Accounts Special: The Derry Accountant speaks

The accounts are out and, despite Dundee’s losses increasing over the past year, the Daily Record chose not to run a front page story claiming we were on the brink of going out of business this year. It’s almost as if the rag’s former editor was an embittered DAB who epitomised everything wrong with the media by not so much speaking truth to power but abusing his own to push personal prejudices.

Anyway, the headline figure is that the Mushy Peas lost £434,000 in the year ending May 2018. Yup, that’s £434k to finish one place ahead of Hamilton Accies, who lost double that wedge when they handed over their bank details and password to a Nigerian prince. Sofien Moussa, Randy Wolters and Lewis Spence didn’t come cheap, to be fair.

Debate over how big a bang our owners got for their bucks aside, the publication of the accounts set off arguments about what they meant for the club among fans with zero qualifications to comment on fiduciary matters. In an attempt to shed some light on these figures, we asked a top accountant with a season ticket for the Derry to look them over.

 

Walking Down The Provie Road: Right, the accounts are out. What’s the story? 

Derry Accountant: Short story is the accounts show a loss-making company that is reliant on benefactors to sustain itself at the moment. That isn’t necessarily a worry and the fact that in note 3 the auditors have confidence that the business will run as a going concern for the foreseeable gives some comfort. I appreciate there are some fans who believe we should simply spend what we earn, and that’s a perfectly reasonable point of view, however the FPS strategy is clearly that they are willing (I purposely didn’t say happy) to incur losses.

Overall, the balance sheet is pretty flat. There’s not been huge movements on a line by line basis. Cash has remained consistent, debtors are flat and the increase in creditors relates to the way the loss has effectively funded by directors.

WDTPR: The report says we’ve increased turnover. That’s good but how was it possible when crowds fell and there was no discernible rise in TV money. Is it all down to the two televised League Cup derbies? 

DA: From a football club point of view, turnover is simple. It will be all income from gate receipts, TV, league and cup placings and hospo/sundry income. Without having a detailed breakdown in front of me, revenue grew by 12.5% which is good going.  I know we had three TV games in the Betfred, two of which also attracted full houses. We also got to the QF of that competition, which would have attracted more revenue. You would need to do a real deep dive on crowds/ticket price to unwind it all though.

WDTPR: How do losses and outgoings compare to last year? 

DA: Whilst wages are up they are actually down as a percentage of turnover. You have to presume that a fair chunk of that increase will the payoffs for some of Hartley’s players while Caulker was allegedly on a big wage. Re the other expenditure this looks like potentially an increase in lease expenditure (note 8).

WDTPR: A lot of figures are being bandied about for the rent on Dens. These include £500,000, £130,000 and £65,000. How much did we pay last year and how much will we pay next year?

DA: Note 17 is your friend here. Next year we will pay £65k for stadium rental and another £64k for other rentals (no idea what that is). This year per note 8 we paid £128k and its reasonable to assume this is split £65k stadium £64k other.

Looking forward it looks like this other operating lease drops off in a year or so and leaves just the stadium rental. Total payable is £1,391, 749, which is the total of 1 year and above in the narrative in note 17. In 2016 we changes account basis from UKGAAP to FRS 102. To the non-accountant (and indeed many accountants!) this wasn’t overly interesting. However as part of that we changed the way we account for leases, this has led to a provision being held on the balance sheet for leases that will be released over the life of the lease as opposed to the first lease break. This does not correspond to cash out the door and is purely a technical accounting point.

WDTPR: Are we paying directors less?

DA: Yes. Directors’ remuneration is down from £152k to £129k. I am presuming only John Nelms draws a salary from the club but obviously don’t know for sure.

WDTPR: How much is in ‘other creditors’ and what does that mean? 

DA: See note 20 for related party transactions. Directors loans are the method that FPS are funding the losses with when not buying new share capital.

WDTPR: How fucked were we if we hadn’t sold Jack Hendry? Andy why does ‘player disposals’ only show £530,000 when we allegedly sold him for £1.5 million.

DA: Impossible to say as it all depends on what we would have done in the event we hadn’t sold him. It’s perfectly reasonable to presume that we simply spent the money we received from him and therefore admin expenses are higher than they would have been had we not sold him. The signing of Caulker wouldn’t have come cheap so my guess is we spent a chunk of the £530k on that. In other words if we hadn’t sold him then the admin expenses would have been lower.

The accounts show the net figure from the transfer, i.e. proceeds less any “cost of sales”. Without any additional info I am guessing that after we clipped the ticket with payouts to Wigan and potentially the player and agents this was the net we were left with. From memory there were rumours of a 40% sell-on clause and with payments arriving in instalments it doesn’t seem a bonkers figure.

WDTPR: The report states that ‘FPS intends to increase its stake and commitment to the Company by raising its hareholding to at least 75% of the voting equity. This would allow FPS to claim Group Tax Relief and offset the trading losses of the Company against its other business activities’. In plain English, what does that mean? How does it benefit the club?

DA: This will be some tax structuring within the US that will allow FPS to use the losses that DFC are running against other companies within their group. Whilst it won’t make any benefit in DFC accounts it will obviously ensure that the owners net spend across all their businesses is lower and this will make a loss-making investment slightly more attractive. I’m not a tax expert though.

WDTPR: One of the last times Tim Keyes was in town (August 2018) it was announced he’d increased his shareholding to the tune of £500,000. Again, what’s the significance of this?

DA: Note 19 mentions something about this and a loan subsequently being written off. I would expect Other creditors to go down as a result of this and share capital to go up. This happened on 9th August so that’s why it’s not in these accounts.

WDTPR: Do we owe anyone any money?

DA: Based on the accounts the biggest creditor is the “other creditors” which spiked from £492k in 2016 to £1.3m in 2017 and again up to £1.6m this year. Per Note 20 these are amounts due to FPS. Based on the accounts we owe HMRC £319k and have some trade creditors. The accruals deferred income are accounting liabilities as opposed to actual invoices received and again I am surmising that these relate to season tickets paid before 31 May 2018 but relating to 2018/19 seasons, i.e. we have the cash but we also have the liability to provide the “service”. The service being a season worth of football.

There is no bank debt that is visible in the accounts.

WDTPR: The accounts make mention of about £1.5million being due to go out in the next year. What does this mean, what does it contain and how does it compare to last year?

DA: Whilst these loans are technically due within 12 months the ‘other creditors’ portion is unlikely to be called in unless FPS pull the plug. The fact the accounts are on a going concern suggests this is unlikely to happen.

WDTPR: We have lost £2.3m in the past five years according to accounts published since FPS took over. How is this sustainable?

DA: Short answer is we are totally at the will of FPS. Like the majority of clubs in Scotland we are running the benefactor model. The only way to move away from that is to up revenue (new streams from new stadium etc?) or to lower costs. It’s easily arguable that we have spent a lot of needless expenses on poor signings and payoffs etc.

HULLTOON HERALD: South Ayrshire Police set to tackle Mexican cartels          

SAPDcropHaving prevented the breakdown of civilisation by taking a small amount of bevvy off football fans, the South Ayrshire division of Police Scotland is set to be deployed to Mexico to tackle the escalating war between rival drug cartels.

The SAPD were quick to boast of their accomplishments on twitter last weekend after cops in riot gear boarded a coach containing Ayr United fans travelling to watch their side play Greenock Morton, a notorious powder keg fixture which has led to zero arrests or incidents of public disorder in recent years.

Having seen his officers seize a bottle of orange Mad Dog 20/20, two tins of Fosters, two tins of Strongbow Dark Fruit cider and a total of three litres of Buckfast, Sergeant Lyall of South Ayrshire Police has set his sights on bigger targets.

“Now that El Chapo has been banged up, Mexico is wide open and cartels are sure to be murdering and extorting in order to strengthen their grip on the lucrative drugs business,” he said. “Operations like last weekend keep communities safe and we are keen to take our experiences of pointlessly targeting peaceful football fans into the counter-narcotrafficking arena.

“My men will lay traps in lay-bys all over Mexico every Saturday in operations costing the public purse thousands while serving no purpose other than making us look like big men on twitter. They won’t know what’s hit them.”

Professor Glen Dingies, of the Institute for Futba Studies, said, “I don’t know what’s more embarrassing – that South Ayrshire Polcie saw fit to boast about the fact they took 65 units of drink off the streets or the fact a supporters bus only had 65 units on board. My mate Jimmy has a bigger away day kerry-oot than that on his own, for fuck’s sake.”

Derry Got Soul: Getting Away With It

Getting away with it

There’s an apocryphal tale about two explorers walking through the jungle when they hear a tiger roar.

One sits down and takes a pair of trainers out of his back pack.

“You’re crazy. You’ll never out run a tiger!” says his colleague.

“I don’t have to out run the tiger”, the first explorer replies. “I just have to outrun you.”

What does this have to do with the ongoing travails of Dundee FC, I hear you ask? Well, that tiger is relegation and (hopefully) the first explorer is Jim McIntyre and his mate is both Oran Kearney and Brian Rice at the same time. It isn’t a perfect analogy but then again its author probably wasn’t thinking about a three-way scrap at the foot of the Scottish Premiership when they came up with it. Oh, and the trainers are this January’s transfer business.

A whole new team has rocked up to Dens over the past month. The last time we had this many loans Tam Burton was offering lenders 0.5p in the pound and telling them to be grateful for it. Will Jim McIntyre’s hastily assembled cavalry ride to the rescue? Can we actually get away with this?

The Patience of a Saint

Sitting on 13 points after 23 games would all but guarantee relegation under normal circumstances but this is no ordinary season. Proof that 2018/19 represents a lifeline for shiteness came last week when we lost a winnable home game and still improved our position slightly due to our rivals’ goal difference suffering more damage. If you were to pick any season to be historically bad, this is the one.

Less than two months ago this very blog was heaping praise on Jim McIntyre on the back of a glorious four-game unbeaten run that hinted at revival. We’ve won only one of the nine games played since then while recording a goal difference of -15. The utter clusterfuck that McIntyre inherited continues to act as mitigation but all managers will ultimately be judged on their record regardless of the size of the turd in need of polishing.

Another humiliating cup exit to add to the spreadsheet of doom is a major black mark against McIntyre. That we lost at a venue where we traditionally struggle, while contending with injuries, ineligibility and Ibrox-bound star players and facing one of the best strikers in the country isn’t in itself a surprise. The margin of defeat was inexcusable, however. Whatever difficulties the manager faced as he sought to overhaul his squad, many fans are rightly asking why Darren O’Dea was deployed as playmaker while three natural midfielders on our payroll weren’t even in the stands at Palmerston. Could some accommodation not have been made with Glen Kamara? Would extending a temporary olive branch to Elton or Madianga really have been more painful than taking three from a Championship team? Why not start one of the young midfielders on the bench?

Tighten Up

Regardless of the manager’s culpability or otherwise in our cup exit, the circumstances surrounding the QoS replay wont arise again and we have to hope that the performances against Hearts and Motherwell are more indicative of what we can expect from the second half of the season.

With a whole new team signed over the past month it is almost impossible to predict how we will line up at Hamilton tomorrow, let alone how we are likely to fare over the remaining 15 matches.

Eleven players in and 14 (including the previously on-loan Marcus Haber and now-on-loan Matty Henvey) out represents an incredible turnover of personnel. The profligacy of Paul Hartley and Neil McCann have meant in excess of 80 players have been signed since promotion five years ago. Cammy Kerr, our longest serving player, has had more than 100 teammates by the age of 23 without moving club. Quite clearly this churn needs to end but that’s a conversation for another day. Right now we just need to concentrate on at least matching St Mirren’s point tally between now and May while bettering Hamilton’s. In a year of abnormal triple shiteness, normal rules concerning the points per game required to finish 11th or 10th have been suspended. Everything we have done over the past month and will do from now to matchday 38 will be judged relative to them.

St Mirren have effectively had the same transfer window as us – throwing together a new team of randoms on loan in the hope something sticks. Their fans are delighted to welcome back Kyle McAllister, but beyond him and Greg Tansey none but the most dedicated of Football manager obsessives will have heard of the rest much less have the slightest idea what to expect from them.

While neutral observers largely shook their heads at Martin Canning’s treatment, Hamilton supporters appear to see his sacking to be the best bit of business their club could have done this month, and they were the ones watching his side week in, week out, after all. Those fans are similarly delighted with the second coming of Tony Andreu but, depending on your perspective, they’ve either failed to overhaul their squad like us and St Mirren, or will benefit from greater stability.

From their early outings, Dieng, Dales, Nelson and Craig Curran all appear upgrades on what we had before. If Horsfield, McGowan, Robson, Hadenius, Wright, O’Sullivan and – if he stays away from bounce games – Davies all bring similar improvements to their positions then we stand a good chance of staying up.

Getting the Message

This transfer window, more than any other, was a time for solid signing rather than potentially-spectacular-but more-likely-disastrous gambles. That realisation didn’t always penetrate the collective Derry consciousness, however.

To scroll down the comments that accompany the unveiling of any Dundee signing on social media is to immerse yourself in world of dyspeptic rage where a section of fans – unconsciously uncoupled from reality by years of on-field misery – are unable to contain their dismay that the Mushy Peas have once again failed to announce a marquee signing.

Maybe the club has to take its share of the blame here. The interval between the wee pen and paper emoji being posted and the identity of the new man being revealed (on average six minutes – I’ve checked) feels intolerably long. “EMOJI KLAXON!!!” messages fly about group chats, chests pound, speculation grows. Your head soberly notes it’s probably the boy from Mansfield we were linked with while your adrenaline-filled heart screams “Berbatov! It’s Berbatov! It’s fucking happening!” And those teaser videos don’t help either. I remember being in the Taybrig “beer garden” with a couple of mates crowded round a phone screen as DeeTV tantalised us with shots of the new signing’s jeans, the outline of his jaw and a surprisingly lengthy focus on a pair of winkle-pickers. ‘Dundee Football Club is delighted to announce the signing of Sofien Moussa’. Who? “Must be good if they went to all that trouble” we convinced ourselves as while seeking out more information about our new number 9. “Ach, the fuck does Wikipedia know anyway? Let’s try YouTube”. A few videos of the Moose losing possession in midfield later and we finished our pints in silence then went home.

Ah, Moussa. We hardly knew ye. An era has ended, ladies and gentleman. Let’s hope the new one starts with us being less shite than St Mirren and Hamilton.

NEW PODCAST! “We’re off to Hampden, lads”

Gary and Ryan are joined by podcast debutant Al as the pod reawakens from a festive slumber. We take a whirlwind tour through the ins and outs at Dens before dipping into the latest storm over club shares and then collectively convincing each other this is the year we lift the Scottish Cup (spoiler alert: it won’t be.)


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Sufferahs

The concept of the ‘sufferah’ is deeply embedded in Jamaican culture, just as it is in the psyche of Dundee supporters. Granted, our worldview hasn’t been shaped by slavery, colonialism and economic oppression but that doesn’t mean our Scottish Cup record isn’t lamentable. And we don’t even have any decent reggae to show for it.

Another Scottish Cup campaign is upon us, the 97th since Sailor Hunter sunk Clyde to ensure the Dark Blues lifted the trophy for the first and only time to date. We’ve only made the final four times since then and the past 109 years have swung between hard luck and humiliation, with a healthy dose of heartbreak thrown in for good measure.

So when a Twitter poll asked Dundee fans to choose either a hypothetical Scottish Cup win accompanied by certain relegation or a humiliating exit this Saturday in exchange for Premiership survival there was only ever going to be one winner. Wasn’t there?

Independence supporters, Remainers and Democrats have all had their faith in democracy severely tested over the past few years but none of these reverses came close to the sheer ‘the fuck?’ness of the 2019 Derry referendum. Inexplicably, at the last count, 67% had prioritised avoiding relegation. Eh? We get relegated and promoted all the time. It’s what we do. Winning the Scottish, on the other hand, is very much not something we do.

tdbpoll2 Many Rivers to Cross

I decided to start recording my life in Scottish Cup campaigns a few years ago, a depressing task that sees me detail the stage and manner of exit for each year since I was born (yes, I am that sad). This act of masochism probably springs from the damage that supporting Dundee has wreaked upon my mind and therefore completes a vicious circle of mental self-harm. The spreadsheet of doom is dusted off annually as hope springs each January, only to be updated with the latest tale of woe and packed away for another year depressingly quickly.

Despite intensive lobbying from manufacturers of anti-depressants keen to increase their market share in the DD postcode area, I won’t share the full document here, but there are a few low points worth highlighting:

  • 1980. Third round. DABs 5 Dundee 1

I’m obviously too young to remember it, but United tanking us 5-1 in our first Scottish Cup game after I was born pretty much set the tone for the following 39 years. Any hopes my old man might have harboured about the arrival of a son bringing about a change of luck were sadly misplaced.

  • 1987. Semi final. DABs 3 Dundee 2

I was right behind those John Brown free-kicks that screamed towards the top corner only for Billy Thompson to claw them away. This was also the first of five consecutive exits to United. How is that even possible? Either mathematicians have been lying about probability all this time or the balls were hotter than Vince Mennie’s after a night at De Stihls when the draws were being made.

  • 1992. Fourth round replay. Dundee 0 Falkirk 1

Fuck you, David Syme. Fuck you, Sky TV.

  • 2000. Fourth round replay. Ayr United 1 Dundee 1 (7-6 on pens)

FML before FML was a thing.

  • 2002. Fourth round replay. Dundee 1 Partick Thistle 2

A team featuring Speroni, Ketsbaia, Rae, Carranza, Sara and Caballero bossed by Martin Hardie, Danny Lennon and Gerry Britton despite knowing that a very winnable QF with Ayr was in the offing. Fan fucking Zhiy getting sent off didn’t help but at least the Beijing Megastore worked out.

  • 2003. Final. Dundee 0 Rangers 1

Anyone who comes out with shite like “ah, but we had some day out, “great experience” or “at least we got there” should receive a life ban, magic circle and several chicken runs.

  • 2006. Semi final. Gretna 3 Dundee 0

The last straw for a lot of fans, who either haven’t been seen at Dens since or embarked upon a lengthy sabbatical afterwards. On a personal level, I woke up the next day wearing a coat, jumper, t-shirt and nothing else and haven’t seriously drunk Guinness since.

  • 2007. Third round replay. Queen of the South 2 Dundee 2 (4-2 on pens)

Extra time and penalties meant a delayed journey home from Dumfries, hungover and depressed with the temperature dial on the bus stuck at ‘Saharan’. I think we finally made it to the Myrekirk circle around 7am and I received a verbal warning for pulling a sickie a few hours later.

  • 2010. Quarter final. Dundee 1 Raith Rovers 2

The Man City of The North crashing out to a Gregory Tade-inspired Raith at home as the season began disintegrating before our eyes.

  • 2016. Quarter final. Rangers 4 Dundee 0

All over after 20 seconds, leaving many male fans to empathise with their partners. Not me, obviously, but the rest of you.

  • 2017. Fourth round (now the stage big boys enter)

John Sutton ripping us apart and Paul Hartley sending Duffy and Williams on to save our season.

Three Little Birds

This year’s Scottish Cup is possibly the least anticipated of past four decades for Dundee fans. Even in the dark Fundesliga days, clichés about one-off games, the luck of the draw and the form book going out the window bounced around our heads as we daydreamed our way to Hampden. But this year? Beaten down by 17 defeats from 26 games, the last outing being a dire performance even by the standards of 2018/19 and an uninspiring transfer window, we collectively have The Fear. This is hardly helped by Queen of the South having previous for being season-ending bastards and our squad having been stripped bare as Jim McIntyre attempts to empty the utter shite bequeathed to him by Neil McCann and build something at least approaching a bottom-six side. It’s no wonder that a lot of fans have been tempted by the dirty money possibilities of Queens being priced at 4/1 for Saturday.

But still, football is about dreams and dread will begin to give way to wildly misplaced optimism come Saturday. And that’s why I can’t believe 67% would make the bargain they did. As was noted in the comments that followed the poll, would you really prefer to scrape to 10th in league in front of less than 5000 fans then head home for a cup of tea than lift a cup at Hampden in front of four times that number, earn the biggest hangover of your life and create a memory that stays with you until your dying day?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that if you had asked Hibs fans to choose between promotion and a Scottish Cup win at the start of 2015/16 then more than a few would have chosen the former. But how many of them were charging across the Hampden turf thinking, “sure I feel exuberant right now but I know I’ll wake up tomorrow gutted about not getting to play Hamilton and Ross County next season”? Slaying their Scottish Cup hoodoo has revitalised Hibs as a club and their crowds rose as a result, despite staying down. Financial stability is the reason most fans gave for voting for survival but the money Hibs made from winning the cup paid for their way out of the wilderness.

Dundee have been relegated five times in my lifetime and I’ve been to hundreds of games outwith the top flight. The likelihood is that even if we somehow scrape to safety this year I’ll bear witness to the drop again at some point in the not too distant future. Am I as likely to see us win the Scottish Cup though? It’s a no-brainer for me.

Either way, not having to update the spreadsheet for at least another month would be a welcome short-term boost. Surely that isn’t beyond us…