Having prevented the breakdown of civilisation by taking a small amount of bevvy off football fans, the South Ayrshire division of Police Scotland is set to be deployed to Mexico to tackle the escalating war between rival drug cartels.
The SAPD were quick to boast of their accomplishments on twitter last weekend after cops in riot gear boarded a coach containing Ayr United fans travelling to watch their side play Greenock Morton, a notorious powder keg fixture which has led to zero arrests or incidents of public disorder in recent years.
Having seen his officers seize a bottle of orange Mad Dog 20/20, two tins of Fosters, two tins of Strongbow Dark Fruit cider and a total of three litres of Buckfast, Sergeant Lyall of South Ayrshire Police has set his sights on bigger targets.
“Now that El Chapo has been banged up, Mexico is wide open and cartels are sure to be murdering and extorting in order to strengthen their grip on the lucrative drugs business,” he said. “Operations like last weekend keep communities safe and we are keen to take our experiences of pointlessly targeting peaceful football fans into the counter-narcotrafficking arena.
“My men will lay traps in lay-bys all over Mexico every Saturday in operations costing the public purse thousands while serving no purpose other than making us look like big men on twitter. They won’t know what’s hit them.”
Professor Glen Dingies, of the Institute for Futba Studies, said, “I don’t know what’s more embarrassing – that South Ayrshire Polcie saw fit to boast about the fact they took 65 units of drink off the streets or the fact a supporters bus only had 65 units on board. My mate Jimmy has a bigger away day kerry-oot than that on his own, for fuck’s sake.”