Dundee supremo John Nelms’ money-making schemes for the club have extended to an expensive, football-themed Hallowe’en House of Horrors against Celtic, he has confirmed.
The happy coincidence of playing perennial champions and professional conspiracy theorists Celtic Football Club on a winter’s evening famed for providing terror and manipulating our primordial fears and charging £30 for the privilege was “too good an opportunity to miss”, according to Nelms, who insisted on dressing like an undead circus ringleader while addressing local media.
“TREMBLE as you realise Calvin Miller cannot play as a Celtic loanee! SCREAM as our midfield get caught in possession and are robbed by James Forrest! WAIL when Jack Hamilton’s hands turn into flippers as he drops one on the head of Boyata! RAGE as Scott Bain gives a sly finger to the Derry! COWER IN FEAR AS SOFIEN MOUSSA AND KENNY MILLER START!” boomed the Texan.
“Although everything points to a defeat of nightmareish proportions for Dundee, there is some cause for hope”, claims Glen Dingies of the Institute of Futba Studies. “Anybody who’s heard Cammy Kerr’s screams knows he’s a banshee, Kallman orders his steaks blue and is blond so could be a vampire, and if perma-raging Paul McGowan isn’t a werewolf then I’m a cocktail brolly. That and Celtic’s obsession to the point of distraction with zombies could give Dundee an edge.
“Things probably should’ve been stopped before Jim McIntyre was convinced that Jesse Curran and Lewis Spence were winged monkeys capable of flying from the stands, though. Poor lads are out until January.”