Brexit might be a total fuck up but it’s still going better than Willo Flood’s career, Theresa May has said.
On the back of David Davis’ resignation as Brexit Secretary, the Prime Minister defended her Government’s performance since triggering Article 50 by comparing to Flood’s fortunes over the same period.
The midfielder had his contracted at Indonesian giants Bali United cancelled after just three days when it emerged that he would be denied a work permit on account of the lowly status of former employers Dundee United.
Ironically, Flood had just released a video referencing his final game for the Tannadice side in which he got sent off, pushed over an opponent, had a go at his manager, and shoved a camera out of his face, claiming that the meltdown represented his past but Bali was his future.
The video followed a nine-day stay at Dunfermline Athletic and two years of running around the Tangerines’ midfield getting about as near to the ball as United got to promotion.
“Brexit is a shambles and the country is gubbed, but when you compare it to Willo’s career it’s actually going rather swimmingly,” claimed May while tramping over a field of wheat as a proxy for poor people. “When he left United he advertised his services on LinkedIn saying he wanted to move abroad but then signed for Dunfermline, believing Fife to be a foreign country.
“This showed he possessed the same level of ignorance of geopolitics as David Davis has shown throughout Brexit negotiations and when he was told the truth he asked to be released and go to Bali. Him being the poster boy for United’s ‘Hands up if you’re top of the league’ campaign seems a lifetime ago. At least he doesn’t have that prick Rees-Mogg making snide remarks in Latin every time he lurches to another disaster though.”
In another twist, it emerged that Flood has become a shock contender to replace Davis at the heart of the Government’s Brexit strategy and is set to consult an atlas before deciding between that and an offer from Formartine United.