HULLTOON HERALD: Scot’s Swedish sex ambitions ‘wildly optimistic’

Experts believe a Scottish football fan’s plan to show his support for Sweden ahead of their World Cup quarter final by having sex with a stereotypically statuesque blonde beauty are wildly optimistic.

Davie Maguire from Blantyre wears his anti-Englishness on his sleeve and has become an avid supporter of whoever Gareth Southgate’s side are playing in Russia. The 34-year-old erroneously believes social media pictures and videos of him consuming products typically associated with these countries have gone viral and plans on raising the stakes further ahead of Saturday’s England-Sweden clash in Samara.

“It started when I took a selfie of me eating cous cous before the Tunisia game and it blew up from there,” said Davie, whose picture attracted three likes. “I didn’t actually bother doing anything before Panama but, as a taxi driver, I’ve not paid any taxes for years so that counts. A photo of me holding a tin of Stella aloft when they played Belgium got crazy shares then I videoed myself tanning a gram and a half of ching and shouting ‘intae they cunts, Columbia!’ My followers nearly doubled at that point.

“Where do you go from there though? Shagging a tidy bird and livestreaming it is the only way to go. She’ll be getting pumped like they English cunts are.”

The renowned Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) have poured scorn on Davie’s plans, however, with Professor Glen Dingies saying, “Davie is an ugly fat bastard with an inconsequential knob and a well-earned reputation for premature ejaculation. He has hee-haw chance of having sex with a leggy Swede unless he’s paying for it.

“His pics and videos have been liked and shared a total of 21 times during the tournament and his followers have gone up because he is deeply unpopular and doesn’t understand what bots are.”

Professor Dingies added that England going through to meet Russia and Davie tanning a Novichok supper might not be a bad thing.

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