HULLTOON HERALD: Employee granted paid leave until Dundee’s fate is known

A Dundee supporter’s work performance has deteriorated so badly in recent weeks that he has been granted leave until his club’s fate is decided.

Duncan MacDonald commitment to his office job is known to ebb and flow in relation to Dundee’s fortunes, and his employers have taken steps to minimise the impact of the Dark Blues’ relegation fight on productivity.

“We normally write off the last week of transfer windows and the few days before and after derbies,” said his line manager Grace Dillon. “Over the course of a year Duncan’s output is still higher than most of the lazy shites we have around here so we’re okay with him shutting down for a week here and there.

“Relegation battles are problematic though. Last year we didn’t get a stitch of work out of him from the time Aberdeen beat Dundee 7-0 til after Darren O’Dea jumped in the Derry. He also kept harassing colleagues for their views on Paul Hartley and McCann’s knitwear collection. It affected them as well.

“There have been worrying signs that the same thing is happening again. His browser history shows he spent 34 of 37 contracted hours last week on fans forums and football-related social media and he was late for a meeting because he was compiling a spreadsheet that detailed form, head-to-head results, injuries, suspensions and projected point tallies for all four relegation-threatened teams.

“The final straw came yesterday when I found his staring at the wall by the water cooler and mumbling to himself. I asked what was wrong and he went into a lengthy diatribe about Mark O’Hara’s recent performances and Sofien Moussa’s fitness.

“The fact we’re in May and he’s sweating about Moussa’s calf tells you a lot about his mental state and where Dundee are as a club. We took the decision that it was best for him to have a few weeks off until we know whether Dundee stay up or go down.”

Company HR manager Stefan Kowalski added, “We are a progressive, employee-centred organisation. Our staff’s problems are our problems and it’s our duty to help when they feel stressed.

“Our reluctance to discipline Duncan for blatantly sackable offences has nothing to do with the fact he’s the only one who can work the photocopier.”

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