HULLTOON HERALD: Wright grasses on motorists to cheer himself up

Tommy Wright spent Saturday evening parked in a layby, chain-eating service station food and reporting passing motorists to the police for minor infractions.

The rotund St Johnstone manager decided to forego the team megabus journey back to the village of Perth in in the aftermath of his side’s late non-derby loss at Dens Park in order to indulge in his two greatest passions.

“Even though we lost the game, we really won it because we dominated a match with 50-50 possession stats and an equal number of shots on goal,” said Wright. “The fact I stopped the car at Bullionfield to stock up on tubs of Pringles and pre-packed sandwiches doesn’t mean I was comfort eating.

“Yeah, I emptied the place of pastry goods, cakes and Vimto but so what? That’s nothing to do with Neil McCann. I’m totally winning my personal battle with Neil McCann, despite Dundee taking nine points off us this season. Psyched the svelte little bastard right out, so I have.”

Corpulent Wright (54) then drove to a layby on the A90 to devour his purchases and record instances of speeding, overtaking without appropriate signalling and – in one particularly exciting development – undertaking.

The resulting videos were then passed on to Police Scotland along with the copious notes Wright took detailing even the most minor traffic offences committed in the six hours he spent in the layby.

“Grassing feels good,” he said between a mouthful of sausage roll. “Grassing makes me feel like I have power and that I am better than other people. That, and eating, gives me a temporary endorphin rush that makes me forget my own inadequacies and the fact I haven’t seen my knob for nearly a decade. That’s why people try to bully people as well. But that’s not why I do it.

“I’m winning. I’m winning,” he added, oblivious to the crumbs, flaky pastry and residual tomato ketchup on his chin as he gazed wistfully into the distance.

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