HULLTOON HERALD: Whataboutery levels critical after Old Firm weekend

Scotland is struggling to cope under the sheer weight of whataboutery resulting from the most recent Celtic-Rangers clash, according to experts.

The match, which was won by either Rangers or Celtic, has led to an inevitably elevated outpouring of claim and counterclaim by followers of the two clubs, who operate in a permanent state of mutually assured paranoia.

While the slavish attention of the nation’s media and the drivel spouted by Celgers-supporting acquaintances usually leaves most Scots bemused, the respected Institute for Futba Studies (IFS) has warned that the nation’s infrastructure is at breaking point as a consequence of Sunday’s match.

“Sane people either ignore or chuckle at the deranged pish that the likes of hatezombiesbhoy1916 and BJK1690 come away with online but the reality is that Scotland’s broadband capacity is being pushed to the limit,” said Professor Glen Dinghies of the IFS.

“Businesses will become digitally disconnected if we don’t stop the escalating debates that follow an Old Firm game. Even that phrase threatens rolling broadband blackouts as around 3000 Celtic supporters fill their days replying ‘there is no Old Firm’ to every post, article or tweet.

“This is then followed by ‘what about all the child abuse?’ from fixated Rangers supporters then the usual retort about zombies and obscure points of company law.

“Scotland’s productivity plunges as tens of thousands weigh in to comment on conflicts in Northern Ireland, Israel-Palestine and Catalonia on the basis of which football team they support rather than an informed consideration of complex geopolitical issues.

“Our studies show that the intellectual capacities of Old Firm fans shrink tenfold in the days before and after they meet, rendering them incapable of performing even the most basic of tasks. The Scottish economy gets closer to collapse with each Old Firm game. The Scottish Cup semi could easily push us into recession.”

Celtic supporter Keith Carroll responded to the IFS study by accusing the Hulltoon Herald of “typical pro-Zombie MSM bias” and asking “how come youse urnae covrin the Union Bears n their sectarian march?”

When challenged to condemn the march, Rangers fan Mark Halliday said, “whit aboot the sectarian abuse big Russell Martin goat?” to which Mr Carroll replied, “whit aboot Scott Sinclair? Ah’ve phoned in sick tae work so ah kin compile a dossier of how that goat less coverage thin whit Russell Martin goat.”

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