HULLTOON HERALD: Gap year hinges on Dundee getting finger out

A Dundee fan has urged his club to ‘go down or stay up, but hurry the fuck up about it’ so he can decide whether or not to go on a gap year in Thailand.

Kyle McDonald had made plans to spend 12 months island-hopping with several mates only for the 21-year-old from Downfield to subsequently change his mind several times as the Dark Blues’ fortunate have fluctuated.

“When this was first mentioned I was like, ‘pure yaaaas man’ but we’d just been pumped 3-0 at Hamilton and I thought we’d be down by Christmas,” Kyle explained. “A few weeks later my mate Deano messaged me about paying a deposit but we’d just scored a last-minute winner against Hearts at Dens and I was thinking I’d need to save my money for a Europa League jolly next year so I backed out.

“By the time Hamilton pumped us again our other mate Kev’s burd had missed her period so there was a spare place and I was back in. Then we beat Rangers and Ross County and I was swerving and by the time we bent Partick over I had dropped out again. I mean, even Moussa was good that day. You’d be gutted spending a year tanning cheap drugs on the beach and getting your hole all the time if the Moose had turned out to be a player back home after all.”

Further flip-flops followed Dundee’s last-minute heartbreak at Rugby Park and the late joy at Firhill a few days later. Frustration over Kyle’s indecision is growing amongst his friends, however, and he has been given until the split to make a final decision.

“I don’t know if I’m more fucked off at Kyle for changing his mind at 5pm every Saturday or Kev for not wearing a johnnie,” sighed Deano. “I don’t even know why Kyle’s postponing important decisions about his future on the basis of Dundee playing Hamilton and Partick instead of Falkirk and Dunfermline next year.”

Kyle said he understood his friend’s exasperation and that he planned on making a decision long before his deadline. “If we don’t beat St Johnstone then I’m definitely going. Unless we pull off a surprise result before the split. Dundee owe it to me to either go on a good run or a shite one and get this sorted ASAP.”

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