HULLTOON HERALD: Girls do like Simon Murray after all

The respected Institute of Futba Studies (IFS) thinktank has been forced to retract previous research claiming that girls do not like Simon Murray.

Amended findings indicate that girls very much do like the scorer of Dundee’s two late goals at Firhill on Saturday, and in a shocking twist it has been revealed that the original study was compromised by an outside source.

1000 woman had previously been questioned by Professor Glen Dingies of the IFS about what they like and none indicated that they lusted after Simon ‘Ginger Prince’ Murray.

However, it has now become apparent that that the 1000 woman questioned were in fact the same person, donning a different disguise each time.

Even more shockingly, the Hulltoon Herald can exclusively reveal the guilty party is none other than celebrity Dundee United supporter Jim Spence.

CCTV images acquired by the Hulltoon Herald show Spence entering his post-relegation Battle Bus dressed as a 1960s housewife after each IFS interview and re-emerging a few moments with a new wig, headscarf or dress on. This pattern was repeated for some five hours, making a mockery of the end results.

When confronted by the HH as he stood on his doorstep still dressed as a woman with rollers in his hair, Spence said, “If it wiznae for you pesky bluenose bastards, eh would have gotten awa wi’ it!”

“Eh’m the only desirable ginger Dundonian an’ it’s been that wiy since the Barracuda days. Nae danger eh’m letting some young pretender wi’ his fancy curly mop tak meh throne.

“Now fuck aff awa fae meh hoose while eh go on to Twitter to wind up meh fellow arabs. Shed rule ya bas.”

Professor Dingies was quick to express disappointment at Spence’s antics which, he said, raised further questions about the plotter’s motives.

“Jim, dressed in various guises, said ‘big, meaty cock’ almost every time we asked him what girls like,” said the academic. “I believe this is called transference. Anyway, we ran the test again and it turns out girls totally do like Simon Murray and this whole thing is nothing to do with football fans being fickle, two-faced bastards. Honest.”

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