Dundee United fans who believe their club to be world-famous have been surprised by the global indifference that greeted Saturday’s humiliation at Falkirk.
Followers of the Tannadice club have spent decades convinced they are one of the biggest names in football.
Common symptoms of this delusion include lying about encounters with random foreigners who invariably mention a mid-ranking Scottish football side, claiming characters from children’s TV shows as celebrity fans, taking credit for bringing peace to the Balkans and using hashtags such as #TWFDUFC and #WASC.
Given the colossal stature they believe their club to have, Arabs felt their 6-1 defeat at the hands of a side managed by Paul Hartley would be front-page news across the world.
“Imagine if Juventus took 6 at AC Sorrento, or Real Madrid were humped by a squad of pillheads staying in San Antonio – that’s the magnitude of this defeat,” explained United supporter Wayne Robertson from Carnoustie.
“Falkirk don’t deserve to be in the same league as us, let alone on the same pitch, so for this to happen must have felt like end of days stuff around the world.
“My first thought when the goals began raining in was concern for our massive global fanbase. I feared riots in Accra, suicides in Jakarta, a collapse in the value of the Yen and possibly a coup in Colombia. Trump would definitely be tweeting about us.
“I expected rolling 24 hour news, harrowing pieces by Michael Buerk and UN resolutions. Real 9/11 stuff. But there was nothing apart from GIRFUYs from other Scottish fans. The only explanation is those bluenose bastards at DC Thomson orchestrating a worldwide media blackout, cos everyone knows they are the root of everything that goes wrong at United.
“Otherwise we’d have to admit we’re not world famous after all and are just a mediocre Fundesliga outfit stuck in a downward spiral. But that can’t be right because I got customised orange-and-black Adidas trainers with ‘TWFDUFC’ on them.
“Shabba. FTD83. Does anyone want to talk about attendances?”