HULLTOON HERALD: Girls “do not actually like Simon Murray”, study finds

Major new research has cast doubt on claims by Hibernian fans that ‘girls don’t like boys, girls like Simon Murray’.

Followers of the Easter Road club have praised Murray for the way he has managed the step-up from the lower leagues in the summer, going so far as to change the words to 2003 single by American pop-punks Good Charlotte in his honour.

However, a groundbreaking study into what girls like by the Institute of Futba Studies (IFS) has made a mockery of the Hibees version of the song.

“We asked 1000 women what they like and not one said Simon Murray,” said Professor Glen Dingies of the IFS.

“Several respondents said they did indeed like cars and money, which was the original hypothesis of songwriters Benji and Joel Madden.

“Other popular answers included ‘companionship’, ‘sense of humour’, ‘lezzing it up after a night on the voddy’, and ‘big, meaty cock’.

“We doubled-checked our results to see if we had somehow missed Murray but there wasn’t even a category such as ‘pale, freckly ginger from the Greater Kirkton area’ that we could fit him in.

Murray, a former arab bastard and judas cunt for all time, declined to comment on the findings when contacted by the Hulltoon Herald.

Professor Dingies continued, “While we were surprised by the omission of Murray given the Hibs’ fans fervent insistence, we were not at all shocked to find that most women in our survey said they liked Jack Hendry most of all.

“He’s just dreamy isn’t he? I’ve got a chubby just thinking about the way he carries the ball out of defence.”

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