Dear Jocky,

Dundee leaving Dens for a new stadium at Camperdown Park troubles me no end. I can’t bear the thought of leaving our home and get freaked out just thinking about it. Help!

Davie, Ardler


Hiya Davie! Hiya pal!

Big Jocky wiz in the Fairmuir when eh first heard aboot this proposed move fae Dens tae a new stadium in Campy. Eh wiz that shocked and horrified at the suggestion eh spat oot a moothful o’ meh pint. The Dees? Leaving Dens? Tae go tae a shitey new groond some distance fae the Hulltoon? It’s as unthinkable as Eddie Thompson rising fae the grave and opening a Morning, Noon and Night on the Provie Road. Eh licked the Special back up aff the cerpit and went mental.

Eh wiz fucking raging at the news, Davie. Eh wiz right on the Etch-a-Sketch tae send a furious email tae Dens sayin’ “WHA’S IN FUCKIN’ CHERGE HERE? SEND OOT THE CUNT RESPONSIBLE FUR THIS CAMPERDOON PARK SHITE. Love, Jocky x.”

Given that eh’m a Derry boy o’ some note, they immediately sent oot the responsible cunt so eh could get him telt. That’s what eh’m talkin’ aboot!

Camperdown Park is good fur twa things: Golf, and dogging. As such eh met Dundee FC Managing Director John Nelms on the golf course at Campy fur a swing o’ the clubs and a wee chat aboot the future o’ the mighty DFC.

John Nelms is fae Texas. A cowboy, aye. The boy rocked up tae the first hole on a horse, wearing a Stetson and firing twa pistols wi’ reckless abandon. Which might freak yer average golfer oot a wee bit. No’ me though. Eh turned up wi’ a putter and Bert Ogilvie fae the Fairmuir in blackface claiming tae be Tehger Woods as meh caddie. Nelms wiz like that, “Hiya Tehger! Hiya pal!” Just as well the welcome wiz friendly, because Jocky has nae time fur racists.

The deal wi’ the move tae a new stadium is a’ aboot being sensible wi’ the money. Apparently the upkeep o’ Dens is costing us aboot £300k a year. Eh telt Nelms we used tae pay oot at least that much tae finance Keith Wright’s hula hoops habit (cunt loved Ready Salted, ken?), but he made a sound enough argument aboot economics and long-term sustainability. By the time eh sunk the winning putt on the 18th green the cunt almost hud iz convinced.

Eh took John Nelms dogging efter the golf. Maist cunts hit the dogging scene in cars, but eh flew in on the jetpack wi’ John Nelms clinging ontae meh bricker like a man hingin’ aff the low-lying branch o’ a tree. The fact baith o’ wiz managed tae hae a wank and ejaculate ower a fat mink fae Douglas getting gangbanged on the bonnet o’ a Ford Fiesta is a tribute tae oor agility and level o’ Teckle.

Big Jocky is dead against moving fae Dens. However, Nelms the cowboy wiz tender enough in gripping meh cock fur iz tae accept the following stipulations if it’s absolutely necessary:

The Derry has to be transferred as it is intae place in the new stadium. Pick it up, move it tae Campy, and apologise fur the trauma ye caused it. The Derry is the best enclosure in Scottish futba and any cunt wha tries tae demolish it will feel the full wrath of the Fairmuir, Lochee Fleet and Black Panthers (including blackface Bert Ogilvie) if they fuck wi’ it. Dens Derry Ya Bas.

The same goes fur the Main Stand. It’s positioned in a Flying-V formation fur a reason, cunto. Take it to Campy wholesale or face the consequences.

If we absolutely must mak’ a new stadium, eh suggest we call it the ‘JIM MCLEAN BALDY HEADED CUNT STADIUM OF YASSSSS!’

You ken the score, Davie. All the best, pal.


Jocky x


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