Celtic supremo Peter Lawwell has ordered anyone who challenges the Parkhead club’s cherished myth of victimhood to shut their pus.
“Everyone know there are three things standing between Celtic and world domination,” said Lawwell. “These are the financial gulf between ourselves and teams from the Big 5 leagues, the lack of competition provided domestically, and the clear anti-Celtic bias of referees, footballing authorities, media and Scottish society in general.”
This year’s Global Salaries Survey showed Celtic’s playing budget to be almost 18 times greater than fellow Scottish Premiership side Hamilton and around 9 times less than PSG, the Parisian giants who last week bent Lawwell’s club over and rammed an Eiffel Tower-sized phallus up the Hoops’ hoop without recourse to Vaseline.
“This financial disparity is clearly holding us back on the European stage, especially when clubs with far smaller budgets than us, who we mercilessly plunder the second they have a half-decent player, and whose catchment areas we aggressively recruit fans from, provide a paucity of opposition.
“How dare the Global Salaries Survey point out our hypocrisy? They can shut their pus. These teams simultaneously try harder against us than Rangers and don’t try in order to rob us of competitive sparring partners ahead of our European campaigns.”
Despite struggling to make their mark on the Champions League stage, Celtic have dominated the domestic game, winning the past four trophies up for grabs and being well on course to clinch a 7th straight league title. Sunday’s BetFred Cup triumph was marred by controversy, however, when referee Craig Thomson pointed to the spot and showed Motherwell defender Cedric Kipre the red card after Celtic winger Scott Sinclair went down in the box under the faintest of touches.
“You can shut your pus,” snapped Lawwell when challenged on the matter. “Every refereeing decision in Scotland is designed to disadvantage Celtic and you pointing out evidence to the contrary is clearly an attempt to sow the seeds of mass ill-health amongst our support by weaponising cognitive dissonance.
“It is unlikely that the glorious Glasgow Celtic Football Club would ever concede so much as a corner if there wasn’t a massive conspiracy against us.”
