This week’s Rangers AGM is more eagerly anticipated than Christmas, researchers have confirmed.
The Ibrox club’s implosion has provided the Scottish public with five years of hilarity and the expectation of Thursday’s shareholders’ meeting revealing more disastrous financial news, Dave King evading questions over Rangers’ managerial situation, and possibly an irate John Brown being forcibly removed after demanding to know the whereabouts of the deeds means excitement levels have reached fever pitch.
“Rangers AGM’s are an occasion for the whole family to come together and be grateful for what they have,” explained Professor Glen Dingies from the Institute of Futba Studies. “Our research shows that while Scottish children continue to look forward to Christmas, the AGM is the most eagerly anticipated event across all age groups.
“People can’t sleep for thinking about the gazebo, the club proudly showing off the Petrofac Training Cup to shareholders demanding to know who the fuck thought it was a good idea to sign Joey Barton, and the board standing in front of a giant screen like a Masonic Kraftwerk tribute act. Defeats to Hamilton and Dundee and the manager’s chair being harder to fill than Alan Dinnie’s jockstrap mean a really special AGM season is on the cards.”
Many traditionalists object to the commercialisation of the season, however.
“It used to be a thing just for the family but the presents and parties are getting out of hand,” said Paul Greer (51) from Dunblane. “People ask what you’re doing for the AGM. It feels like everyone is trying to outdo each other. Everyone should be able to enjoy the AGM without it bankrupting them or causing arguments about whose parents’ you’re going to for it.
“What we’ve started doing is just having a wee celebration every time they issue one of those statements dripping in tears and verbosity instead. The one praising their fans for hooliganism is my favourite but the wife prefers the ‘hysterical and factually incorrect reporting’ one. We’re both big fans of ‘Rangers being assessed to a different standard from others in the Scottish game’ though.”
Professor Dingies added, “I am sure the Ibrox board will highlight their growing paranoia as a cause for celebration at this year’s AGM. This space was previously dominated by Celtic but they’ve completely closed the gap in this regard. That represents real progress.”