Dear Jocky: McCann Love

Dear Jocky,

Despite being heterosexual and hugely disappointed by the fact he’s guided us to the bottom of the league, I find myself strangely attracted to Dundee’s manager, Neil McCann. I’m more than a little confused about this and wonder if you might ken the score on such matters.

Jimmy, Coldside.

Hiya Jimmy! Hiya pal!

Wee Neil’s a good laddie. A braw player in his day and a sound cunt. The boy’s got manners, a weapon-grade side-shade hairdo and wears a cardigan as well as Pedro Caixinha wore a poker face when he telt The Rangers he wiz a teckle as fuck manager wha kent what he wiz daein.

Eh yaesed tae sign Neil intae the Fairmuir clubbie on karaoke night. He’d hae a half pint o’ Special, get up and sing Red Red Wine beh UB40 then tak’ a wummin auld enough tae be his great-granny up the road fur a shag. Neil McCann is up there wi’ Wullie “Fanny Killer” Miller in terms o’ the top shaggers in Scottish futba history. Meh auld pal Jeannie McKay banged him dozens o’ times. She telt Jocky he’s a cracking ride, hiz aine o’ they hard-ons that veers slightly tae the left fur nae good reason and likes listenin’ tae Red Red Wine beh UB40 on repeat while he’s getting’ his fuck on. UB40 fan Neil Mccann is some boy, aye.

Neil’s a bit o’ a modern day legend fur the Dees. Fair play tae the boy. Much like Wullie Miller at the Inverurie Swingers Club’s Christmas Gangbang, the cunt delivers the goods on the big occasion.

Mind the 1995 Coca-Cola Cup semi-final against Airdrie in Perth? It wiz 1-1 and we were intae extra time. Dundee were on the break wi’ McCann fleein’ doon the weeng. Big Jocky wiz screamin’ “FUCKING SQUARE IT MCCANN! SQUARE IT!” Place wiz goin’ mental. McCann lobbed in a shite ba’ towards the back post. “Aw fur fuck sake, McCann, that’s fucking shite ya cu…OH YA CUNT! HE’S FUCKIN’ SCORED! YASSSSSS!” Big Jocky kent what wiz happenin’ the entire time, eh kent that speculative chip tae the back post wiz actually a shot on goal in disguise.

Mind the “Deefiant” season? The Dees were deducted 25 points fur no’ payin’ the ‘leccy bill or some pish, went “fuck it” and went on a mad streak o’ undefeated gemmes. Raith Rovers’ visa wiz cleared tae enter Dundee fae Fife and the “ya hoor sir!” cunts were winnin’ 1-0 at Dens. Gary Harkins pinged in a peach o’ a free kick tae equalise. Neil McCann, wha’d retired fae playin’ futba, hud been drafted in aff the telly and got brought on in the last few minutes in arguably the maist desperate substitution of all time. Eh wiz in the Derry goin’ “Fuck off back tae Skeh Sports, McCann, this isnae a fuckin’ charity match ya wee cu…OH YA CUNT! HE’S FUCKIN’ SCORED! YASSSSSS!” Big Jocky kent Neil McCann wiz capable o’ daein’ the joab and agreed wi’ the decision tae bring him on as a subby.

Meh point here, Jimmy, is that efter teckle moments like those, it wid be mair unusual if ye didnae get a bricker fur Neil McCann. There’s nae need tae be confused aboot yer sexuality, cunto: Big Jocky’s straight and fancies Neil McCann tae! If there wiz a show of hands at Dens fur boys wha kinda fancied Neil McCann a wee bit there wid be several thousand raised hands in the air. That’s a bigger turnoot than the time we hud a vote on whether or not tae induct the BT Sport cameraman wha did close-ups o’ a the Arabs in the Shankly greetin’ at the end o’ the Doon Derby intae the DFC Hall o’ Fame.

Big Jocky wishes Dundee man Neil McCann a’ the best, and encourages you, Jimmy fae Coldside, tae get a root on however the fuck ye like, pal.

Away the Dees.

Jocky x

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