This year’s Scottish Professional Football League fixtures were compiled by a 15-year-old work experience boy, it has emerged.
James Wilson, whose balls only dropped last December, was required to spend a week in a professional workplace for school and landed what he thought was a plum placement in Scottish football’s corridors of power.
“My dad sorted me out with the SPFL gig through some guys he drinks with at the Lodge,” explained James, who masturbates several times a day and is yet to touch a boob, in spite of what he tells his pals.
“I thought I’d pick up a bit of gossip while making tea and delivering mail but as soon as I arrived at Hampden I was called into Neil Doncaster’s office and told to organise thousands of games across four divisions while factoring in international weekends, European nights, and cup dates. Oh, and I had to keep two weekends in January free for the winter break, which is only necessary cos players are knackered after playing so many games in December so we can fit the winter break in.
“I told him I can’t even plan schoolwork around my wanking but he said that so long as I don’t piss off Celtic, Rangers, Sky or BT it’ll be fine.”
Just one of Kilmarnock’s last six matches has taken place at home while Partick Thistle face a gruelling eight games in December having played only twice in November and Dundee have six evening kick-offs to look forward to over the winter months.
Such ludicrous situations have drawn criticism that James feels is unfair given that his work was never meant to be made public.
“At school we always hand in a first draft,” he continued. “I was still waiting for feedback from Mr Doncaster when they published the shite I’d done in between watching Pornhub exactly as it was.”
SPFL Chief Executive Neil Doncaster said, “The release of each season’s fixtures, previously one of the most eagerly anticipated days of the year, is now the catalyst for 10 months of despair about unbalanced scheduling and general lack of foresight. Then TV companies, who pay us far below market rate, rip up the already flawed programme at a whim.
“So basically we couldn’t be fucked this year and someone said, ‘get the wee spotty cunt on work experience to do it’.”